Constant
by toonsta
Summary: James Potter had always been a constant in Lily's life... A constant annoyance. But when he, her only constant, is suddenly ripped away, she finally starts to appreciate him.
1. Change

AN: This is the first story I've posted, so reviews and constructive criticism would be much appreciated.

**Constant**

Lily Evans didn't like change. She had always craved stability, and in recent years, when her life had been in constant turmoil, this longing had only increased. But despite this, despite wishing and praying and doing everything in her power to maintain some sort of sameness, it seemed that this, the only thing she really wanted, was painfully elusive.

Her life had been boring and normal and wonderfully stable until the day she received her Hogwarts letter, that had been the first time that her life was turned upside down. _Then _it had been good and exciting, _then_ she had not yet developed her hatred of change. But _he_ had already been around. James Potter was there all through her gloriously problem free (or so it now seemed) first year. Constantly pestering her, tugging her hair, teasing he, shoving her, getting her into trouble, playing pranks….. And after that first year, when things began to go wrong, he was still there.

He was there when Petunia's rejection became evident, when she realized she didn't know her muggle best friend anymore, when they first realized her mother was sick, when her father was suffering from depression, when she first acknowledged that the gap between the magical world and the world that her family inhabited couldn't be bridged, when she found out the hard way that no amount of hope or magic could cure cancer.

In five short years these changes revolutionized Lily's life, and while in history (and infomercials) a revolution always seemed to effect change for the better, her particular revolution was most certainly non-conformist.

The life she had led before Hogwarts now seemed an unattainable dream in comparison to the nightmare that she daily faced, and he seemed to be the one thing in her life that the nightmare couldn't touch. Never failing to annoy her, never failing to pursue her, offering a constant supply of love that she hadn't realized she needed.

Their familiar banter was a safe have into which she could retreat, and which she came to rely on. Perhaps the most unwelcome change of her life came when this safety blanket was abruptly ripped away.

* * *

She had always been able to feel his love, radiating towards her, no matter how indifferent and skeptical she pretended to be. And when it stopped, she felt the loss the more keenly for it.

She knew immediately, on that last day Easter break in their 6th year, that James had stopped caring. It was nothing that he did, and everything he failed to do.

On entering the great hall, his eyes did _not_ immediately seek her out. There was no rowdy reunion with the rest of the Marauders. He didn't pile food on his plate, or dig in with great gusto, as per his usual habit. He didn't crack jokes with his mouth full of food. He didn't steal a single glance at her all through dinner, nor did he run his hand through his hair. And she knew something was wrong, and she hated that she knew…. And that she cared.

* * *

James Potter had stopped. Stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped riding his broomstick, stopped paying attention in class, stopped playing pranks, stopped teasing Snape, stopped talking to his friends, stopped talking in general. He had even stopped giving a shit about Lily Evans. 


	2. stopping

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all the characters you recognise belong to JK Rowling, I own nothing, please don't sue me.

AN: So here's another chapter, there were a couple of typo's in the last one, so I apologise for that. I had a bit of trouble writing this, but I was really encouraged by my three lovely reviewers: Lexy Granger, Xx-BlueFox-xX and xHeavilyxBrokenx, thank you so much! This chapter should answer some of your questions, and it is a little bit longer than the last, but I'm afraid I'm really hopeless at writing really long ones. Thank you also to everyone who took the time to check this story out, hopefully you'll keep reading.

**Chapter 2: Stopping**

James Potter couldn't take it anymore. The meaninglessness of everything that surrounded him. He couldn't comprehend how people could possibly go on with their lives oblivious to the havoc that had been reeked on his. How could they chat, and laugh, and do their homework while his life had come to a grinding halt! Couldn't they see the pointlessness of it, didn't they understand that none of it mattered! That nothing mattered now.

He felt so impotent, so completely powerless, and the fury that this invoked churned just below the surface along with his grief, so powerfully that there was room for nothing else. He felt as if he were drowning, sinking slowly and agonizingly into the depths with no strength to fight to the surface, and no hope of help. There was no fight in him, his spirit and every ounce of his will to live had died with them.

So he had stopped. Stopped all the meaningless activities that had filled his days before their deaths, and effectively stopped living. Because how could he go on when they couldn't? How could life possibly go on when they weren't in it? Everybody around him went on as if nothing had happened, but they had died! Nothing should ever be the same! And he was going to make sure that it wasn't, everything in his control would be different, would be worse, because it meant that they had meant something, it meant that their deaths had left the world worse off.

* * *

He spent days and sleepless nights roving the castle, his sightless eyes blank, seeing not paintings or suits of armor, but them. Their last minutes, over and over, a horrific, full colour, motion picture that refused to stop playing…… And he didn't want it to.

He could see it all so clearly, every detail, each small movement, each soft sound, and the loud ones as well. He could still feel the confusion, the terror, the rage and the impotence that had been the reactions to what he had witnessed. The memories were still fresh, so fresh, and so overpowering that they seemed to take over his mind and replace every good memory associated with them. Her screams seemed to echo permanently in his head, but he could not recall her laugh. His face would be forever etched onto his brain, a bloody mask of pain and suffering.

And he deserved every single minute of pain that he felt at this memory, because they had suffered so much worse at the hands of the Death Eaters, and he had been powerless to stop it from happening. If he had been stronger, if he had put more effort into learning, if he had focused on the important things while they were alive, instead of seeking instant gratification, instead of being irresponsible…. He would have been able to get out of _that room_, and they wouldn't have died. It was his fault, and for that he loathed himself.

* * *

They had come in the early hours of the morning, those creatures of the night, the death eaters. Wanting to send a message, but not yet brazen enough to do it in broad daylight. And his parents had realized what was going to happen, Moody's motto 'Constant Vigilance', had always applied in their house.

His father had pulled him out of bed, and dragged him bleary eyed down the stairs. Confusion had run rampant inside him, his half asleep brain not yet registering danger with only time to mutter 'wassgoinon', before his father had shoved him unceremoniously through the wall at the back of their small pantry. It was only when the door had closed behind that he realized what was happening. He had been forced into the 'panic room', the room that his father had built in case of an attack. That was when the terror set in.

He knew without a shadow of doubt what his parents had done. This room was impregnable, once closed it would not open for a full 12 hours from the inside, and could not be opened from the outside. His father had built this room for him alone, not for all of their safety as he had led his son to believe. His parents would face the death eaters, and he would be trapped and powerless to help them.

And he had watched as five death eaters and Voldemort himself had breeched the barriers around the house, while he uselessly flung himself at the door of his prison. He had seen his parents fighting a loosing battle as he desperately tried every spell he knew in a futile attempt to get **out**. And when his parents had been overpowered he had watched as they were tortured. He had stood frozen, watching as Voldemort had used every conceivable method of causing pain on the two people he loved most in the world.

They had forced his father to watch as his mother was slowly driven mad with the cruciatus curse, and then killed with a lazy flick of Voldemort's wand, and tossed aside like a rag doll. His fathers death had been even slower, and this time they had used muggle weapons, until there was no part of him that was not bruised or bleeding, no bone that wasn't broken, and then they had left him, unrecognizable, to bleed to death on the kitchen floor, while James hurled himself from wall to wall, blinded by tears and fury, beating himself bloody as he tried to get out.

* * *

The Aurors had found Harold and Elizabeth Potter dead in their home the next day, their son James unconscious on the floor of the pantry.

* * *

AN: Please review and tell me what you think, constructive critiscim and suggestions are welcome, especially since writing this was quite tough, and I'm not sure if I did a very good job. 


	3. confrontation and understanding

AN: This chapter isn't written like the last two were, it contains dialogue, as its different from the first two chapters which were supposed to give you an idea of where Lily and James were coming from. I hope you like the change. Thank you so much to my wonderful reviewers: Lexy Granger, Forever Dreamin, Super Cara, halfblood portuguese and Untamed Loner, may your lives be filled with Candy floss and strawberry milkshakes. As always, reviews and constructive criticism are welcome, and much appreciated.

**Chapter 3: Confrontation and Understanding**

Lily slowly made her way up the winding staircase of one of Hogwarts' many towers. It was a favorite haunt of hers because, although rarely used and in a state of disrepair, it afforded her both privacy and an excellent view of the lake. It had become a sanctuary from her troubled life, and right now all she wanted to do was escape from everyone and everything, especially her own thoughts, which had been plagued by James for weeks.

Why did he look half dead? Why did Sirius look so worried? Why wasn't he participating in any of their classes? Why wasn't he attending Quidditch practice? Why hadn't he asked her out in weeks? There were too many questions, that led to too many hours thinking up possible answers, which led to too much time spent wondering why she cared, and altogether way too much brooding.

Up here she could escape all of that, and just lie on her back staring up at the stars and let her mind go completely and blissfully blank. Unfortunately the universe did not appear to think that Lily needed a break, as she found out when she at last reached the top of the tower and found none other than James Potter sitting on the thick stone barrier looking out over the lake.

At the sound of her footsteps his head turned, angry hazel eyes meeting annoyed emerald ones.

"What are you doing here?" James asked contemptuously, making sure that Lily knew she was unwelcome. His tone set her on edge, resulting in her annoyance at finding him in her spot progressing into anger.

"What is your problem! Are you so self involved that you think you have exclusive rights to this place? I can go wherever I damn well please you jerk-off!" Her response was met by stony silence, and for a minute she thought he was going to simply ignore her presence.

"Fuck off", James' quiet but steely words seemed to hang in the air, as Lily stood frozen with shock.

"Fuck off!" Lily repeated, "Fuck off!" louder this time, "You fuck off! You have been nothing but unpleasant to everyone you've come into contact with since Easter, and now you're telling me to fuck off, well you have another think coming if you think that I'm just going to lie down and take it like the rest of this school!" She shouted, advancing upon him while James looked on numbly.

"Stop it" She demanded, "Just stop it!", and now there was more than a hint of desperation in her voice along with anger. "Snap out of it!" But despite her attempts she got no further reaction out of him.

"I can't take this any more James," She whispered "I can't deal with you being like this, not on top of everything else," her face was slightly scrunched up now, as if making a valiant effort to hold tears at bay, "I _need_ you to go back to normal, I _need_ you to stop being like this."

Her plea seemed to break him out of his stupor, but to her dismay he now seemed to be furious.

"**You** _need_ me to go back to normal?!" The words, laced with sarcasm, struck out at her like a whip, "Not every bloody thing in this universe revolves around you! You think just because _you_ want me to be the same James Potter you loved to hate before Easter break I'll miraculously change back! And you accuse me of being selfish!"

Lily stood stunned, transfixed to the boy blowing up in front of her.

"My life will _never_ be normal again, _I_ will _never_ be that person again! Perfect Lily Evans can't have her wish for everything to go back to normal, because perfect Lily Evans can't wish my parents back to life." She could see the grief in his eyes, and the weight of the truth crushed down on her chest, and it took all of her strength not to crumple to the floor and weep: for him, for her, and for all the people that would have to go through this pain soon, for she knew without a shadow of a doubt that it had been Voldemort who had killed James' parents, and she knew that they wouldn't be the last. They wouldn't be nearly the last.

They stood for what seemed like hours staring at each other, until finally Lily spoke quietly, willing him to realize that he wasn't alone.

"My mother spent the last three years of her life in and out of hospital….. she had cancer." There was a catch in her voice, and he knew that the pain she felt was raw. "It spread, and spread, and the doctors couldn't do anything, and at the end she was just in so much pain." She was looking right into his eyes, and he could see tears she refused to shed.

"James I could barely look at her", the guilt she felt was broadcast loud and clear.

"And then she died. And do you know what I realized? I realized that the only thing more painful than being around her, was not being around her, and knowing that I never would be again."

Again they stood staring at each other, but this time there was none of the anger and shock that had crackled between them before, this time there was understanding, and there was something comforting about that, for both of them.

Wordlessly James returned to his position overlooking the lake, and Lily quietly unfolded the blanket she had brought, set it down on the floor, and then lay down on her back and stared up at the stars. And for some reason the stars seemed brighter than usual, and she felt just a little bit more at peace.

AN: This is the last update that will be posted from Australia, where I've been on holiday, I fly back home to South Africa on Sunday, and unfortunately my updates will probably be less frequent because I'll be busy at Uni, and will not be able to monopolize the computer as I have here, since I have a sister who loves the Sims entirely too much.


	4. new routine

**AN:** Thank you to my two lovely reviewers, and to the two people who put me in their favorites, as well as the 20 people who put this on their alert list. I predict that you will live long happy lives, become minister for magic and have 10 children. Please tell me what you think of this, it's really great to get feedback, and I can't describe how happy reviews make me. Plus I'm about to start uni, that's pretty scary, especially since I'm doing medicine, I could really use a few bright spots in the next few days...please.

**Chapter 4**

Meeting in the tower had become routine for them. The first few times neither had known if the other would be there, but had gone anyway in the hopes of reclaiming the peace they had felt on their first night together. After the first few nights the uncertainty had dissipated, to be replaced by the undeniable knowledge that they would both be there, every night, for as long as they were at Hogwarts.

Lily, ever the lover of routine, would arrive promptly at ten. Sometimes James would be there already, but generally he would arrive slightly later. She would take up her position on the floor. Occasionally she would stare up at the stars as she had that first night, but more often she would be reading or doing homework when he arrived. They would exchange quiet greetings, and then James would take his seat on the low wall and occupy himself either by staring out over the lake lost in thought, or by sketching.

"What do you draw?" Lily asked, her curiosity finally getting the better of her after many nights of speculation.

"You can come have a look if you like," his voice was quiet, but she could feel it, a vibration passing through her, it made her shiver as she went to sit next to him, careful not to touch him, as if afraid of what a simple touch could do.

He leafed back in his sketch book, stopping at a picture of a woman in a kitchen.

"Sometimes I sketch my parents, from memory, this is my mother baking." His voice was gentle, almost reverent, as he softly traced the outlines of the face he had so accurately translated onto paper. He leafed through a few more pages too quickly for Lily to see and stopped at a picture of a man, presumably James' father, sitting at a table reading the paper.

"My father," he stated, "He used to read the paper at the kitchen table every morning and tell my mother what 'that blasted minister of magic' was doing while she harassed our house elf by trying to help with breakfast. I always thought it was hilarious how she could bake the most amazing things, but she never could cook to save her life, she was too absent minded, she would go off and do something else and one of us would come into the kitchen and find something on fire on the stove top." He chuckled softly, his eyes slowly loosing that far-away look they often took on when he remembered his parents, and looked at her with a plea in his eyes.

"It's so hard to remember them that way Lily... mostly when I think about them, all I can see is that night" He looked so haunted, and all she wanted to do was hug him to her chest and stroke her fingers through his hair and tell him that everything was going to be okay.

Instead she put her hand on his arm and said, "I'm sorry James, I'm so sorry," meaning every word and hoping that it would be enough.

He tore his gaze away from the drawing to look at her again, regaining his composure, and seeming to draw strength from the small hand that still rested on his lower arm.

"Most of the time," he said hesitantly, "I draw you." He was still looking at her, his eyes unsure, trying to gauge her reaction.

Lily, slack jawed with shock, attempted to make sense of this latest revelation, "I, I...why?"

His mouth tugged up just a little in the corner at the expression on her face, "Well you're a pretty good subject I guess, you're right here so I don't have to try recall you from memory, and you keep pretty still so you're easy to draw." It was a bit of a lame excuse, but she seemed to accept it.

"Can I see one?" The question was hesitant, and there was a shy smile on her face that let him know she was flattered, so he paged quickly through the book to one of his most recent sketches, hoping that it lived up to expectations, and wouldn't in some way change things between them.

Lily silently took in the drawing, as James nervously searched her face for any trace of a reaction. It was beautiful. An unmistakable replica of Lily lying on her side in the tower reading a book, her hand tucking her hair behind her ear, and a wistful expression on her face. James had captured the moment perfectly, right down to the minutest detail, but there was something about the picture that made her nervous. Something she couldn't quite put her finger on in the way he drew her. It was almost as if she were looking at herself through his eyes, and through his eyes she didn't look as ordinary as she looked in a mirror. His loving pencil strokes had made her look beautiful.

* * *

AN: Sorry this is so short, I'm trying to write this and get it posted before I leave for University in about an hour, and I still haven't packed all my clothes, currently hoping and praying that a fairy is going to magically appear and pack for me, aaaah! 


	5. Friends

**Constant **

A.N. Hey everyone, sorry it's been so long, but real life has finally laid claim to me. It seems that I chose the worst possible time to start posting my writing since I'm busier than ever before. Thank you to my fabulous reviewers: The all mighty and powerful…, mad.hot.love, sing-my-heart-out, SweetSouthernGal, Untamed loner… my faithful reviewer who shares my wish for packing fairies, and lastly to my very wonderful 'nit picker' reviewer Lyny Angell, for taking the time to review all four of my chapters, and for the constructive criticism… I loved it! You forced me to pay more attention to my writing, which I admit is sometimes sloppy. I really have tried to put more effort into the little things this time; I hope you see some sort of improvement, and please feel free to pick this chapter to death if you so desire, and that goes for everyone else as well!

**Chapter 5: Friends**

James was drawing her again. She was lying on her stomach reading a book and he was drawing her again. And now that she knew that he did it, she was uncomfortably aware of him every time he made her his subject.

There was a crease of concentration between his eyes as he watched his pencils movements on his sketchbook, then he lifted his eyes from the paper to look at her, their eyes connecting for a second before hers flicked self-consciously back to the book she was reading. A blush crept up her neck when she realized she hadn't been paying attention to the last page she'd read. Giving up she cast the book aside and rolled onto her back, earning a groan from James. Well, she thought, if she had to put up with him drawing her, then he had to put up with changes in position.

From the new viewpoint afforded by her movements the full moon caught her eye, bringing another issue altogether to the forefront of her mind. Deciding that it was probably best to jump right in on this subject rather than tiptoeing around it, she broke their easy silence.

"So I guess you won't be here tomorrow night." James quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Why wouldn't I be here tomorrow night?" He asked in a tone that clearly indicated he thought she was loosing her mind.

"Because it's full moon," she said, her tone screaming it's-oh-so-obvious.

"What? No it's… how do you…"

There was a short pause as he did some quick mental calculations and finally, reaching the conclusion that she was right, his mind was left free to freak out over the fact that she knew he'd be busy during the full moon. His brain scrambled to work out the implications. Lily watched as shock, fear, and finally resignation chased over James' features.

"How long have you known?"

"That Remus is a werewolf or that you Sirius and Peter go along for the ride?" This last comment again left James shocked and confused; which gave Lily some small sense of satisfaction, but was not at all pleasant for the boy in question.

"Why don't you just tell me exactly what you know and how long you've known it for, instead of dropping bread crumbs?!"

"Look James, I realize that someone knowing the 'big Marauder secret' is probably scary for you, but you should know me well enough to know I would _never_ tell anyone."

"I know no such thing!" He exclaimed. "The Lily Evans I'm most familiar with is Lily the prefect, who has no problem with dishing out detentions and running to McGonagall every time I put so much as a _toe_ out of line! How could I possibly be reassured by the knowledge that that person has the power to put me in Azkaban?!"

"Damnit James! Being a prefect is my job! It's my responsibility to stop you when you're doing stupid and irresponsible things; rules are made for a reason! But being a prefect does NOT define who I am, you of all people should know that!" James now seemed more calm, but there was a dangerous glint in his eyes.

"Maybe I do, but like you said rules are made for a reason….and you always seem to follow them. So what's stopping you from reporting us? Go ahead and do it… I dare you." The steadiness of his voice belied the aggression in his words, and the underlying threat, but Lily was having none of it.

"I think that's exactly what I'm going to do," she countered, with menacing sweetness. "What exactly are you going to do about it?" Her words hung in the air around them and she watched as James clenched his jaw and attempted to stare her down. After minutes of trying to out glare each other in tense silence, lily spoke.

"I. Wouldn't. Do. That." She exaggerated each word, as if trying to beat them into James' brain. "I know that you do it for Remus, and even though I admit that when I first found out I was tempted to tell someone (only because I was afraid someone would get hurt), I didn't. That was because even then I knew you wouldn't ever intentionally hurt anyone. Well except maybe Snape." She remarked, looking up with a small smile on her face that coaxed a smile onto his as well.

There was silence for a while; this time more comfortable, before Lily spoke again. "So now that we have the fighting out of the way maybe we can talk about this with a tad more civility." She said, eyes sparkling with merriment before she became more serious. "Although you have to trust me."

"I do…" James replied without hesitation. "I always have; it's just that I've always trusted you to do the right thing, and in our case sometimes _I'm_ not even sure if we're doing the right thing. But Lily it really does help Remus, and I swear to you that nobody has ever been hurt, and that I'll never let anyone get hurt either."

"I know. I've kept tabs on what you guys get up to. Every full moon I make sure nobody's been hurt, because I made myself a promise that if anyone ever did get hurt I would tell the four of you what I knew, and try to convince you to stop."

"What if we hadn't been convinced?" James asked with a smile.

Lily laughed, "Then I would have resorted to threatening to turn you in, although I knew it would never get that far because Remus would have put a stop to your activities already."

"You've got that right. He's terrified of hurting someone, and if he ever did it would devastate him. He'd lock himself away to make sure it never happened again." His voice as he said this was laced with sadness and it made her heart ache.

"You really love them don't you?" She asked, quickly elaborating when she sensed his hesitation. "I mean you really care about Sirius, Remus and Peter. They're almost like your family, and you'd do anything for them, just like how you risk going to Azkaban every month so you can help Remus."

"Well they're my friends… and that's what friends do." He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, something that everybody knew because everybody had it.

"You're lucky; I don't have friends like that." James didn't know how to respond. His heart and mind were screaming that _he_ would do anything for her. That he would be her family and he would get to know her better than anyone else and he would put his life on the line any day of the week to protect her. But he didn't say any of these things, because he didn't want to scare her.

Instead he asked, "Aren't we friends?" Implying all the things he felt, but allowing her to take it in a more friendly sense.

A smile bloomed across her face, full and real; the kind of smile that he had never seen on her face before. He had put it there, he had given her a moment of happiness, and this knowledge, along with the sweetness of her smile, warmed him, and gave him more peace than he had felt in months.

A.N. Please review and tell me what you think, I'd also love suggestions and constructive criticism, and if you're not up to a long review, just a couple of words will make my day. Incidentally I'm blowing off studying for a very important chemistry test to type and post this, so I could use a few bright spots since my chemistry results are likely to be less than satisfactory. Oh the joys of being a procrastinator!


	6. Brooding

**AN:** Hi everyone, I'm really sorry this took me so long, I started writing this ages ago and then stopped when I felt as if I was bashing my head against a brick wall. Anyway a friend of mine cajoled me into letting her read this and so managed to get me motivated to write again. So this chapter is dedicated to my newest reviewer Cait, who also happens to be the only person I know who I have allowed to read this. Cait you're amazing! I also want to send a big thank you to the reviewers that I haven't had the pleasure of meeting; Lyny Angell, Etar, xHeavilyxBrokenx, Untamed Loner, this-recurring-dream, SweetSouthernGal and S.c.ou.s.er.4.li.f.e you are all fabulous and I hope you all got my replies to your reviews, being the dork that I am I only just figured out how to do that, so from now on I shall be replying to all my reviews. I hope you all like this chapter!

**Chapter 6:**

For not the first time in his life Sirius Black felt all alone. It was a feeling that he hadn't foreseen. In the first eleven years of his life it would have been normal, but now, in his sixth year, loneliness was not something the infamous Sirius Black was accustomed to. He was a Marauder (and a heart throb), he should even now be up to mischief with his three best friends or be reminiscing about aforementioned mischief, or perhaps planning future mischief. Instead he was brooding.

And while brooding was definitely a good look on our young heart throb (a fact that he himself often exploited) brooding was not something that Sirius enjoyed doing. In fact he was rather prone to becoming irritable when James and Remus did the very same thing, and tended to drag them on misadventures in efforts to cure them of their broodiness.

Why then was Sirius Black, troublemaker extraordinaire and hater of all things broody, sitting quietly in a secluded corner of the common room and contemplating life in a manner that was uncharacteristically serious? Well the answer lay with his three very best friends, who were, much to his disappointment, not acting very much like the best friends he knew at all.

Remus he could understand, it was after all almost full moon; and Moony did tend to become rather restless and grumpy around this time. But this situation appeared to be exacerbated by never ending prefect duties and an ever increasing work load. Which meant that Moony never had a spare moment and when he did, was not the most pleasant person to socialize with.

Peter was an enigma. He was never in the common room or dorm anymore, came up with pitiful excuses for his absence, and when on the odd occasion it was possible to corner him, he was distracted and disinterested.

James was the worst of the lot. Sirius knew there was something wrong, but James was as silent as the dead. In fact ever since Easter break everything about him had taken on the appearance of a corpse, which was why, more than for any other reason, Sirius was brooding.

He was worried. This was something else that wasn't normal for Sirius. Usually he was a rather easy going fellow, and didn't waste time doing something as useless as worrying, but James was his best friend and there was something seriously wrong with him. He wasn't eating properly. He was spending hours holed up Merlin only knew where. He had quit Quidditch for heaven's sake! Something had to be done!

It all came down to Evans, Sirius thought. She was doing something to him, he was sure of it. James had been spending an awful lot of time with her. And the only reason he even knew was because he'd followed him for three nights in a row now, and every night he'd ended up in the old tower near the divination classroom that was a serious health hazard. The bloody thing looked like it would fall apart and send you plunging to your doom if you so much as breathed the wrong way. He didn't know what they were doing up there, since he couldn't exactly stick his head in the door and say; 'hey, how's it going?' he had a feeling James wouldn't take too kindly to that. The invisibility cloak would have been the perfect solution if not for the fact that it had conveniently (for James) disappeared.

Last night he'd frozen his arse off hiding behind a suit of armor to see how long they were up there for. And he had felt every second of the five f#ing hours he'd been behind that bloody suit of armor before they'd finally decided to leave The Death Trap. And then they'd had the bloody audacity to dawdle all the way to the common room completely absorbed in whatever they were talking about. (What that was he couldn't tell you, as he'd been forced to maintain a respectable distance due to the wonderful tendency of footsteps to echo loudly along the deserted corridors.)

They had looked awfully chummy. He ground his teeth at the mere thought. He could not take it anymore! He had been patient, he had waited weeks for James to either return to normal or spit out what the problem was and neither had happened. Instead his best mate was cavorting around the castle with a girl that was supposed to hate him, and he was brooding! Sirius decided at that moment that it was time for an intervention, and since he would get nothing out of James, Lily would make a prime target.

* * *

Lily stumbled through the portrait hole and dragged herself across the common room. The only thing preventing her sleep deprived mind from shutting down completely was the thought of her bed. She had almost made it to the stairs to the girl's dorms! Just a few more meters! Unfortunately she found her path suddenly obstructed by a pair of arms folded across a chest.

"Late night Evans?" She slowly lifted her head and discovered a pair of shoulders, followed closely by a neck and head. To her dismay the head belonged to Sirius Black. She 'hmmph'ed and tried to walk around him, but he sidestepped to block her path, and she was again confronted by his chest. She rolled her eyes.

"Bugger off Black." She grumbled, glaring at him.

"No can do sweetheart." He stated, grinning dangerously. "We need to have a little talk."

"The hell we do, you brainless twit! I have a very important appointment with my bed and I fully intend to keep it." This time she tried to push past him, with no success, in fact her efforts appeared to amuse him.

"Darling you're half my size, you have a snowballs hope in hell of getting past me, now lets have that chat shall we?" Lily didn't mistake his words for a question no matter how well he disguised them as one. He grabbed her arm and dragged her unceremoniously up the boy's staircase and into the sixth year boy's dorm. Once inside she yanked her arm back and glared at him; it didn't have the desired effect, in fact Sirius appeared completely unfazed by her hostility.

She huffed and cast her eyes about the room. It was surprisingly clean save for the space around the bed that Sirius had thrown himself on. There were a few odd shoes lying about and a couple of discarded sweet wrappers on one of the beds, but on the whole, Lily would have to say that the reports of its grotesque filthiness were greatly exaggerated.

"Won't you sit down?" He asked in mock politeness.

"I'd rather stand." She bit back.

"You can do as you please." She snorted at that.

"Then I take it I'm free to leave." She said, already stepping towards the door.

"Oh no you don't!" He was off the bed and grabbing onto her wrist before she had the chance to take two steps. "You're staying right here until I get some answers." This time he pulled her to the bed next to his and pushed down on her shoulders forcing her to sit.

"What do you want Black? And make it quick because I don't have the patience to deal with you right now."

"Patience! You want to talk to me about patience! You have no bloody clue!" A deathly silence fell between them for a minute before Sirius spoke again. "I'm not stupid; I know there's something wrong with James. I have been patient for weeks and it's got me nowhere, I know you have something to do with it, so you are going to tell me what's going on." He commanded.

"This is between you and James; it has absolutely nothing to do with me."

"That's where you're wrong Miss Evans; it has everything to do with you. You've been spending an awful lot of time with him lately, or did you think I wouldn't notice?"

"What exactly are you trying say, because spending time with someone isn't a crime, or didn't you notice?"

"What are you doing to him? He's barely eating, he's quit Quidditch, he's spending no time with his friends and sneaking around in the dead of night with you!"

"So that's what this is about is it? You're jealous! This has nothing to do with how James is acting, its all about James spending more time with me than he's spending with you!" She exclaimed.

"Well it's a bit strange isn't it? Prongs spending all his free time with a girl that proclaimed her loathing for him for all the world to hear until a few months ago, rather than his best mate! And coincidently, around the same time he starts spending far too much time with this girl, he suddenly begins doing a lovely imitation of a zombie! A little suspicious wouldn't you say?"

"Merlin you're blind! You think I'm the reason he's acting like this? I know your brain doesn't function too well Sirius, but even I wouldn't have thought you'd be this stupid! Why the hell would James be acting the way he is just because he's been spending time with me?!"

"Well if that's not the reason then what the hell is?!"

"If he hasn't told you then I'm sure as hell not going to!"

"You're not going to! You're not going to! I'm his bloody best mate! I have known him for six years and had his back every bloody minute! I've watched him run himself into the ground for weeks and quietly waited for him to come to me in his own time… I'm done waiting! I have a right to know!"

"That's bullshit! And even if you did have the right to know I wouldn't have the right to tell you, if you want to know so badly, why don't you just ask James?"

"You think I haven't tried?"

"Maybe you haven't tried hard enough."

They sat in silence glaring at each other for a few minutes before Lily stood up and tried to leave. Again Sirius blocked her path.

"You are staying right here until James gets back." Lily narrowed her eyes, realizing she didn't have much choice she ground out a 'fine'. She stomped over to the bed and collapsed onto it, determined to get some sleep even if she was being held hostage.

* * *

James trudged up the stairs to the dormitory and pushed the heavy door open to be greeted by a most unusual scene.

"Lily?" She was fast asleep on Remus' bed, and Sirius was sitting on his own bed moodily toying with James' snitch.

"What exactly is going on?" This time he directed his question to Sirius.

"That's precisely what I want to know." His best friend replied, looking him directly in the eye and making it clear that the reason for Lily's sleepover wasn't the information that he was seeking. Lily began to stir on Remus' bed and cracked an eye open to look at James.

"Finally," She said; voice still husky from sleep, "Took you bloody well long enough! Can I go now?" She directed her question to Sirius.

"Nobody is leaving this room until I get some answers!" Lily groaned and let her head fall back onto the pillows.

"Padfoot what are you on about?" James asked resignedly.

"I want to know what your problem is. I want to know why you've stopped talking to me, and stopped eating, and stopped pestering Evans and playing Quidditch. I want to know why you're acting like the living dead!"

"I'm not acting like the living dead."

"The hell you aren't! Don't even try to deny it; we both know it's true."

"And if it is? What business is it of yours?"

"It wasn't my business until you bailed on your teammates and your friends! You left us all hanging! You were supposed to have our backs… you were supposed to have my back!"

James looked stricken, and Lily, now wide awake, watched the exchange anxiously from the bed.

"I don't want to talk about this." James murmured, sounding firm and in command, but Lily knew better, she could sense his desperation. His mind was spinning in every direction, the chaos overwhelming, all of it directed to one goal; escape. He had to get out of here, he had to get away. Away from the unwelcome intrusion into his barely healing psyche, away from the sickening prospect of telling someone else.

"That's too damn bad because we're going to whether you like it or not."

"Keep dreaming!" James spat, and slammed out of the room before Sirius could stop him.

"James!" Lily called, jumping off the bed and starting after him. Sirius caught her arm to stop her, but she yanked it away and spun to face him, eyes blazing and wand drawn.

"If you think you can stop me this time Black you're deluded, so go ahead and try!" She growled. Sirius glared but stayed where he was, not daring to move an inch closer. She spun again and thrust her wand toward the door which slammed open with a force that made Sirius wince, and then exited in a whirlwind of fury.

* * *

**AN:** I hope you all like it, and that Sirius was believable, this was one of my favorite chapters so far and I even managed to write over 2000 words! Go me! Anyway please review, as always I love to hear what you guys think no matter how short the review, and constructive criticism is welcomed! Press the 'go' button and make my day, I promise to reply. Oh, and the next chapter should be up shortly since I have six weeks holiday and I'm feeling inspired! 


	7. Waiting

**AN:** Sorry that this took a while, what can I say, I'm a lazy bugger, I had this mostly written for ages and couldn't get up the energy to finish it. I'm on holiday, so I've been spending far too much time reading and vegging instead of writing. Anyway thank you so much to all my awesome reviewers; I got 8 reviews for the last chapter, Woohoo!

Thanks to: Etar, Untamed Loner, HalfBloodHannah, this-recurring-dream and Lyny Angell who sent signed reviews. You guys are fabulous! I replied to you all personally but thanks again! I promise to reply to everyone who leaves signed reviews for this chapter as well.

Then special thanks to my anonymous reviewers: rev123, alondra and Natalie. You guys were all so encouraging, I wish I could reply to your reviews, but alas, it is not possible. Anyhow, you're all fabulous as well, and I really hope I hear from you again! For future notice if you'd like to leave an e-mail addy I promise to reply to you too, although I do realize that you may not want to post your e-mail address on the web for the world to see.

Then thanks to Caitlin, who is miraculously still reading this, I love and miss ya stax, find the fact that you searched for this story even though you forgot my pen name hilariously heartwarming, and can't wait to see you the minute I get back to res. In the mean while I hope you're living it up in England.

And then a huge shout out goes to my brand new Beta, Lyny Angell, who has worked her magic on this chapter. You're a star and I can't thank you enough!

**Chapter 7: Waiting**

Lily pounded up the stairs towards the tower, hoping against hope that he would be there. She wasn't sure what she would do if he wasn't. Where else would he go? She didn't know enough about him to know.

"Damn it!" She shouted, kicking a suit of armor as she passed it. "Ouch, damn it, stupid fricken suits of armor!"

She hopped a few steps, clutching the injured foot, then carried on running, making a valiant attempt to ignore the pain. She had to get to him. She couldn't quite say why she was so desperately worried about him, or why she knew that he needed her, but, somehow, she did. She hadn't liked the look in his eyes as he'd fled the room; she'd hated the sense of panic she'd read in his angry words to Sirius.

At last she reached the door and flung it open, stumbling through it and into James' line of sight, panting and disheveled. He looked up at her with eyes so sad they seemed to sear her soul. The corner of his mouth tipped up in a pathetic attempt at an "I'm alright" smile. She didn't remember consciously deciding to move, but, the next thing she knew, her small body had flung itself at him, and her arms were wrapping around him of their own accord.

He stood frozen for a second, his mind still struggling to wrap around the fact that Lily Evans had her arms around him, before his own arms slowly encircled her waist. Then he clung to her, burying his face in her long red hair desperately hoping for comfort. They stayed as they were for what seemed like hours.

"I didn't... I didn't... I can't just act like nothing happened. How can he expect me to act like nothing's happened?" he said, finally breaking the silence.

"James he wouldn't, not if he knew what happened."

"Is that your not-so-subtle way of telling me you think I should tell him?" he asked, chin tilted in defiance. Lily quirked an eyebrow, as if to say "duh". James visibly deflated at her refusal to rise to his bait.

"I can't Lily. You don't understand." He said miserably.

"Then explain it to me, James." He remained silent, feet shifting. She knew he didn't want to talk about this; he wanted to ignore all his problems. Finally, he looked up at her.

"If I tell him it's more real."

"Then why did you tell me?"

"I don't know; that was different."

"How?" She wouldn't just drop it. Why did she never let him get away with short answers?

"I was angry, and I just blurted it out, and you never knew them."

"And Sirius did? Doesn't that give him even more of a right to know?"

"If he doesn't know, if nobody knows, then they're still alive to everyone," he said quietly, studying the stone at their feet. Lily paused and then gently said:

"James they're dead, and no amount of pretending they aren't is going to bring them back."

"You think I don't know that?!" He exclaimed.

"Maybe you do, but you haven't accepted it yet... Look James, I'm not going to push you to do anything you don't want to, but people are going to find out eventually. It's a miracle that nobody knows already. You're just delaying the inevitable."

He stood in stunned silence; he hadn't expected such brutal honesty. Any other girl would have coddled him and babbled meaningless reassurances that brought no real comfort, but not Lily.

"It's full moon tonight, and you're going to be leaving soon anyway, so I'm going to go get some sleep. Be careful."

And with that she turned and walked out the door, leaving him feeling even more alone and vulnerable.

* * *

Sirius paced the room restlessly, anger and impatience coming off him in waves. Remus had been in the hospital wing all day, and Peter was already waiting for them in their usual meeting place. The sun would set in minutes. Where the hell was James?

No matter what had happened between them earlier, Sirius would never have believed that James would abandon Remus when he transformed. Sirius didn't want to think about what it would do to Remus if James didn't show.

"Come on... come on," he mumbled to himself, willing James to walk through the door. Just another five minutes, five minutes and he would come.

* * *

James sat, overlooking the lake as the sun set. He felt paralyzed, as if the world was spinning madly on, and he was being left behind. It was like he had forgotten how to live. He felt that, even if he wanted to, he wouldn't know how. And how would he fix the damage he had unwittingly wrought on his friendships and his life? He couldn't even begin to contemplate picking up the pieces. Everything was still too painful. Breathing was enough of a chore without trying to make up grades and play sports and repair friendships. Why wouldn't everybody just leave him alone?

So, he sat, perfectly still as the light faded, and the moon rose.

* * *

He hadn't come. The sun had set, the moon had risen, and still he hadn't come. And Sirius had given up. Rage bubbled through him as he strode through the corridors. _How could he?!_

Peter was waiting for him in the deserted classroom off the entrance hall.

"Where's James?" he asked nervously.

"He's not coming," Sirius replied shortly. Peter emitted a surprised squeak.

"What... what do you mean he's not coming?" he stammered.

_Stuff that_, Sirius thought. James was coming even if Sirius had to drag him kicking and screaming. "Look, go ahead and wait under the willow for us. I'm going to go find him."

"But, but..."

"Just do it, Wormtail. I am not doing this without him!" Peter flinched back at his harsh tone, but Sirius ignored him and strode out the door. He knew exactly where James would be.

* * *

James glanced across the deserted grounds restlessly, squinting as a small movement caught his eye. He walked across the tower to get closer and leaned over the barrier, trying to make out the figure walking down the grounds. He realized with a jolt that it was Peter, walking hesitantly towards the Whomping Willow on his own. James saw a flash of light as he transformed, then nothing.

What the hell was he still doing up here? He should be with Remus. Merlin, Sirius was right; he had bailed on them. He turned away from the grounds, and ran towards the door; he wouldn't be that person, not if he could help it.

He took the stairs three at a time, racing down the corridors and ripping open the entrance to a secret passage that would cut the journey to Gryffindor tower in half. Running at break neck speed, he got to the portrait of the fat lady in record time, shouted the password, and scrambled through the portrait hole, ignoring her irritated exclamations.

Once in their dormitory, he ripped the room apart trying to find his invisibility cloak, hands hastily fumbling through trunks and closets, but it was nowhere to be found. He didn't have time for this; he decided Sirius must have taken it, grabbed an ordinary cloak, and dashed out the door. Damn it, what must Remus think!

* * *

Sirius marched up the stairs and slammed the door to the tower open.

"I swear on my Great Uncle's grave Potter, if you don't..." The threat died in his throat. James wasn't there.

"Damn it!" he swore. "Where the hell are you James?!" He looked towards the willow and noticed the moon, full and bright, hovering just above it. Moony would need him now, Wormtail would be no help at all, and he'd have to go without James. But when he got hold of him... Sirius growled at the thought... he was going to rip him a new one!

Now in a towering fury, he flew down the many staircases towards the entrance hall. On the first floor a figure blocked his way.

"Snivellus," he growled, slowly advancing on Snape, his eyes gleaming at the prospect of venting his anger on the object of his loathing.

"Black," Snape spat, drawing his wand and smirking. "And all alone I see. Aren't up for your usual adventure tonight, are you? Or did Potty and his merry men finally kick you out of their band?" he taunted. Sirius ignored the jibe and raised his wand.

"I'd tell you to get out of my way, but I'd much rather practice a few curses. They are a handy way to dispose of snivelly little gits like you."

"Why the rush to be rid of me, Black? Is there some pressing appointment with the rest of the gang? I'm sure your head would be interested to know that you're sneaking around the grounds after dark, and, as a prefect, I find that it's my duty to inform her of your behavior," he said smirking.

"You greasy git, I can go wherever I please until curfew!"

"And where might that be?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" he barked out. They were circling each other, ready to pounce at any second. What to do first, cover him in boils or make him puke up slugs? Choices, choices. The slimy bastard would get what was coming to him; he shouldn't have stuck his greasy nose where it didn't belong.

Suddenly Sirius froze. What if he gave him exactly what he wanted? A menacing grin spread itself across Sirius' face. Oh yes, Snivellus would get exactly what he deserved.

**AN:** Hope you guys enjoyed this, and tell me what you think, there are tons of you reading and not reviewing, I'd love to hear from you, no matter how short the review. As always constructive criticism is welcomed.


	8. Numerous Encounters

**AN: **Hi everybody, sorry this took so long my beta's having computer problems so she's been out of commission, but I eventually decided to post chapter 8 as it was because I did promise to have it up soon. So sorry for all the mistakes you will undoubtedly find! Also, I wrote this before the 7th book came out, so this doesn't exactly mesh perfectly with the book.

A big thank you to my reviewers: this-recurring-dream, Jade Aestas, xxBrokenxxAngelxx, alondra, twinkly-toes, HalfBloodHannah, The sneed, Untamed Loner, and thatgirlTOM, you guys are awesome, and to anyone who's contemplating reviewing; please do, I would love to know what you think and I promise to reply if you leave a signed review or an e-mail addy.

Then I think there may have been a bit of confusion about what year Lily and James are in. They are still in sixth year. I probably didn't make that too clear; I think I just mentioned it in passing, anyway, sorry about that.

Huge thank you goes to my wonderful beta, Lyny Angell, even though she didn't work her magic on this one, I know she would've if she could.

**AN 2/8:** So I've reposted this chapter, it is now beta'd, YAY! On another note, I'm about to post the first part of a **new story**, please go read it and let me know what you think. Love to Cait who'll read this tonight, yippee, and you aren't in your room so you can't complain about the swearing... I had to use it, it's just so effective in this chapter!

**Chapter 8: Numerous Encounters **

She tossed around in bed, trying to find a comfortable position that appeared to be extremely elusive this evening. She was exhausted. Weeks of late nights and early mornings had finally caught up to her so that she felt like death warmed over. Unfortunately, even though she now finally had the time to sleep, her mind was refusing to switch off.

It was entirely James' fault, she thought exasperatedly. Not only was it his fault that she was so sleep deprived, but he was also the reason that she couldn't sleep when given the opportunity. If he didn't give her so much to worry about she would be sound asleep and peacefully enjoying the wonders of dreamland. Stupid boys.

Giving up her endeavor to rest herself, Lily flung her covers aside and swung her feet onto the cold flagstones. She made a dash for her closet and hastily pulled on a thick pair of socks, her trainers, and her night gown, before setting off down the stairs. She pointedly ignored the looks she was attracting from the people in the common room, who obviously thought she was crazy for daring to walk around the castle in her pajamas (at only seven at night, no less). She swiftly made her way through the portrait hole and headed in the direction of the tower.

* * *

Sirius grinned manically as he watched Snape drawing nearer to the willow, searching the ground for an appropriately long branch as he walked. This was the best idea he'd had in years! And the best thing was, he'd hardly had to do anything at all; Snivelly was so desperate to find out what they were up to that he'd barely even been suspicious. A couple of hints masked as threats, and the accidental dropping of instructions to get into the willow, and he was gone faster than a purse full of gold in the Slytherin common room. The stupid sod wouldn't know what hit him. 

Snape had found a branch and was trying to prod the knot in the tree without much success when a rat scurried from beneath the willows flailing branches towards Sirius' hiding place in the trees. The rat stopped at his feet and there was a flash of light as Peter transformed.

"What is Snape doing poking around?" he demanded.

"Our greasy friend was getting a bit too curios Wormtail. Now he's reaping the benefits."

"You told him how to get into the willow?" Peter asked, eyes gleaming with malice.

"I did," he stated proudly, "and it was a stroke of genius, was it not?"

They both snickered and hunkered forward to see what was going on. Snape had abandoned his first branch in favor of another one and was now swiping wildly at the knot.

"A bit of a moron isn't he?" Peter asked. "He couldn't just levitate a stone to prod the knot, could he?" He snickered again, and then settled himself against a tree to enjoy the show.

* * *

James tore out of the castle and came to an abrupt halt as he took in the scene playing out at the willow. Snape. Shit! James stood rooted to the ground in horror as he watched the willow freeze and saw Snape scramble through the hole at its base. Finally, moved to action as the willow became reanimated, he streaked across the grounds towards the thrashing tree. Before he could reach his destination his path was obstructed by a shaggy black dog who quickly transformed into his best friend. 

"Finally decided to join us did you?" Sirius spat. "It took you bloody long enough!"

"Get out of my way, Padfoot! Didn't you see who just went down there?" James demanded.

"Of course I did," Sirius declared arrogantly. "How do think he knew how to get down there?" He smirked. James' fists and jaw clenched and the anger and frustration that had been smoldering inside him was rapidly bubbling to the surface and becoming pure fury.

"Have you any idea what you've just done?!" He whispered, his hands beginning to shake with suppressed rage. "Do you have any idea what could happen because of your dimwitted scheme?!" James shouted as Sirius stood dumbfounded and transfixed; James was like a train wreck, plowing forward with unimaginable force towards total destruction while everyone around him was powerless to stop him. "He could die, Sirius, he could **die!** Does that mean nothing to you? Do you hear me, you bastard? **He could DIE!** And did you ever think what this could do to Moony, **did you**?" His fury was palpable, and Sirius shrank back slightly as he saw the tip of James' wand emitting small crackles of electricity like tiny lightning bolts. "Get the fuck out of my way!"

He shoved Sirius roughly away from him and began the sprint to the Whomping Willow, wand raised, summoning the branch that Snape had used. Before Sirius had so much as moved the willow was frozen and James had vanished. Sirius stood stock still, frozen in shock, staring at the Whomping Willow, before the full force of what he had done hit him like a physical blow to the stomach. His eyes widened, "Oh Merlin".

* * *

James raced down the dank corridor, footsteps muffled against the earthy walls. The tip of his wand was lit, and he held it as high as the low ceiling would allow, trying to penetrate the darkness to find Snape. Merlin, he hoped that Snape hadn't gotten to Remus yet. James picked up his pace at the thought. Five minutes later he was nearing the end of the passage. Adrenaline had carried him thus far, but a ball of foreboding had lodged itself in his stomach the nearer he got to the tunnels mouth, and slowly the dread as to what he might find was washing through him. 

The tunnel started to slope up slightly when his wand light caught a movement.

"Snape!" he whispered. The silhouette froze, and an eerie silence fell as James' hasty footsteps ceased. "Snape, listen to me, we have to get out of here!" His voice was more urgent now, but no louder. The knowledge of what lay just meters in front of them stayed his urge to shout. Snape snorted derisively,

"Not before I get what I came for, Potter!" Then he took off, abandoning the caution that he had previously preceded with in his haste to get away from his nemesis.

"Shit! Snape…." James called, scrambling up the slope and dashing towards the bend that would lead to the shrieking shack. James tackled him just as he rounded the corner, catching a fleeting glimpse of Remus prowling the tattered living room as he fell heavily onto Snape. In his panic he lost his grip on Snape, who twisted away from him and craned his neck to get a look at the source of light James' body was blocking.

James saw his eyes widen as he saw Remus. He whipped around to see the werewolf, eyes narrowed, teeth bared, body tensed for action and gaze trained on the two of them. It growled; a feral sound in the back of its throat, and lunged towards them.

Beside him Snape was motionless, silently gaping, James grabbed the front of his shirt and dragged him back around the corner, shoving him in front of him and forcing him into a dead sprint. Adrenalin pumped through him as he heard the Werewolf's harsh breathing and soft footfalls behind them. Not bothering to look back, James shot jinxes and curses over his shoulder, dragging Snape up by the collar when he stumbled.

The sound of ripping material sliced through the air as James' feet got caught in Snape's long cloak, and he tripped. His momentum carried him forward and he landed hard on his face with a sickening crunch, and the wind was knocked out of him. The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth. He looked up. Snape had hesitated slightly and was looking back at him, terror written all over his pallid face. James spat blood out of his mouth and began to push himself up, looking Snape directly in the eye.

"Run you idiot!" Snape needed no further encouragement, turning back around and stumbling over his own feet as he flew further up the tunnel and further away from danger.

James was barely on his feet when he heard the Werewolf behind him. He whipped around as it lunged at him, launching himself out of the way milliseconds before it could rip into him. He was on the floor again, hard earth scraping his elbows and stones biting into his palms. His breath came in harsh pants, and his nose was steadily dripping blood. The smell of his blood was driving the Werewolf into a frenzy.

He rolled onto his back and pushed himself backwards until he hit the wall. His eyes darted back and forth, trying to penetrate the darkness that shrouded the Werewolf he called his friend. His hands fumbled around on the floor, desperately seeking the wand he had dropped when he'd tripped. He could smell him, the dank earthiness combined with the stale, musty smell of the shack that James had learned to associate with Moony and adventures. Now, it only served to terrify him.

The short seconds before his trembling fingers connected with the reassuring cylinder of his wand felt like millennia. He was shaking so badly he could barely grasp it. Unsteadily holding his wand before him, he muttered the spell for a shield. To his dismay the result was wispy and flimsy, dissipating almost as soon as it had appeared. In the brief moment that the shield's silvery light had illuminated the tunnel, James had seen Moony, stalking towards him, ready to lash out again.

Snape would be long gone by now; he couldn't risk not transforming a moment longer. In an instant James' figure, huddled against the wall clutching his wand, was replaced by that of the stag.

* * *

Lily watched in horror from the tower as James blew up at Sirius. Every word carried clearly across the lifeless grounds. She watched as he pushed Sirius out of his way. She watched as he froze the willow, and she watched as he disappeared into its depths. "James…" She whispered, eyes wide with fright. 

Before she thought about it, her feet were flying down the stairs, her fluffy white gown billowing behind her down the endless corridors. Her mind raced as fast as her feet as they swooped over the familiar path, thoughts in a flurry, logic long forgotten.

She threw her whole weight against the huge wooden doors that barred her from James, slamming them open and stumbling through them, right into Sirius Black.

He automatically caught her by the shoulders, steadying her before he realized who it was. She blinked up at him in surprise; mind so focused on getting to James that it took her a moment to realize what had happened. Sirius shuddered involuntarily as he saw her eyes cloud over. Her diminutive figure seemed to grow with her fury until she towered over him, fiery red hair blowing around her in the icy wind.

"You Bastard!" She screamed, fist drawing back. She let it fly before he had time to so much as flinch, punching him square in the face with such force that he was knocked off his feet.

* * *

**AN:** Hope you enjoyed it, and please don't be shy to review, tell me what you thought, if you hated it feel free to say that too. Constructive criticism is welcomed, as are questions if you're confused about anything. 


	9. Encounters with Werewolves

**AN:** Hey everybody! Here's chapter nine, I'm quite proud of myself for getting it up so quickly considering my rather impossible work load of late. I'm putting off doing biochemistry to post this so you guys better review!

Thanks to my twelve wonderful reviewers: thatgirlTOM, BertieBotsBeans741/Brittany, this-recurring-dream, Silvercrystal77, Alondra, -Scp-, HalfBloodHannah, Untamed Loner, lightningismyhappy, twinkly-toes, rev123, and PhoenixWeasley. Thank you so much, 12 reviews! Wow! I was blown away! As always I promise to reply individually to those who leave a signed review or e-mail address.

Thanks also to my fabulous beta Lyny Angell!

Then I have a **new story! **It's also an MWPP and will be a Remus/Tonks, but there's plenty of LJ because I just couldn't resist!

**Chapter 9: Encounters with Werewolves **

Lily took off running towards the willow, not bothering to check what had happened to the boy she had left behind. She didn't quite know what had happened to him past the satisfying crunch she had heard when her fist had connected with his face.

For a moment after he hit the ground Sirius sat immobile, as if confused as to how he'd come to be there. His face was a comical mixture of pain and shock. His stunned expression soon subsided when he caught sight of the girl streaking towards the willow. Abruptly jumping to his feet and ignoring his immediate need for retaliation, he gave chase.

He caught up to her right after she had summoned a particularly large branch to herself and hesitated infinitesimally at the sight of her with such a weapon. She was completely oblivious to his presence; taking advantage of this, he raised his wand and performed a well-aimed 'reducto' charm on the offending branch. She whipped around to face him, looking, if possible, even more furious than she had been in the seconds before she had punched him.

"Evans… Evans! Listen to me; you can't go down there, okay!" Sirius said desperately, backing away as she advanced upon him, his arms stretched in front of him in a dual attempt to placate her and protect himself.

"James is down there with a werewolf! I can and will go after him." Her voice was even, deadly calm, and he knew in that moment that she was certain she would be going down the willow; he was just a hurdle in her mind. He also knew he had to stop her. James would murder him if he allowed her to get anywhere near a transformed Remus.

"You aren't going anywhere… not if I can help it." She raised her wand threateningly, and he lifted his to match her. Purple light shot from her wand, and he barely managed to deflect it.

"Lily, listen to me!" He shouted as he ducked and blocked curses, "It's too dangerous; you can't go!"

"Don't even try to tell me what I can and can't do!" She shouted furiously, shooting a particularly viscous Jinx his way.

"James would not want you down there, you stubborn woman!"

"How the hell would you know what James wants? He is in danger! Right now I'm betting all he wants is to get the hell away from the Werewolf that is threatening his life! I am not about to abandon him like you did!" Sirius was taken aback at this statement, and his robes got singed when he didn't quite manage to get away from the latest spell she'd thrown at him.

"Don't you dare accuse me of abandoning my best friend!" His sudden fury matched hers, and he began to fire jinxes and curses at her as well instead of simply blocking hers. For countless minutes they remained locked in battle, glaring fiercely at each other and using progressively more advanced and dangerous spells in bids to gain the upper hand.

"Have you even thought about what your options are if you go down there, Evans?" Sirius called contemptuously, blocking her curse with practiced ease and sending one of his own her way. "Let me lay them out for you," he offered in mock assistance, as if he were a butler laying out the dinner options. His voice suddenly turned cold and hard. "If you go down there, you could become a Werewolf, or you could die."

His harshly blunt statement battered through the panic and fury induced fog that had crowded out her logic, and she stood frozen with her wand raised. Sirius watched, as she seemed to shrink just as quickly as she had grown in her fury. Her face crumpled, and she dropped her wand and brought her free hands up to hide her eyes. A barely audible whimper escaped the confines of her lips, and she dropped her hands to look at him, her face a mask of worry and desperation.

Her expression took the wind out of his sails, and when he spoke to her, it was as if he expected her to fall apart at the slightest provocation. "James can handle himself. He's an animagus, remember?" His voice was gentle and reassuring, but soon took on a more commanding tone. "I'm going to go down the willow, and you are going to go back into the castle. It isn't safe for you out here."

"No, Sirius. I need to know that James is okay."

"Evans I will drag you back to the castle kicking and screaming if I have to."

"I'm not going to try go down with you; I'll be perfectly fine where I am," she tried to reason. Sirius looked like he was about to make good on his promise to drag her back, when he caught sight of a plume of smoke rising from the chimney of the gamekeeper's hut. Without giving her any choice in the matter, he grabbed Lily's arm and began to drag her towards it.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Let me go!" she protested, attempting to pull away from him.

"Compromise: you're going to Hagrid's. Move it up; we don't have time to waste!" Lily was too terrified for James' safety to argue any further, despite the fact that she'd never said a word to the Hogwarts' gamekeeper and had always found his sheer size rather intimidating.

Sirius unceremoniously threw the door open and dragged Lily through it. "Keep an eye on Lily for me till James and I get back, yeah?" He threw in Hagrid's direction and then left the same way he'd come without so much as waiting for Hagrid's answer, let alone a goodbye. An awkward silence descended on the cabin as Hagrid sat stunned at the table with a spoon full of rather dangerous looking stew frozen halfway to his mouth, and Lily hovered near the door.

* * *

The Werewolf jumped at James, only to be rebuffed by the antlers of the stag, which drove him into the opposite wall. He managed to escape and pounced on the stag's back, clawing, ripping, and biting at the smooth skin there. The stag struggled against him, finally succeeding in throwing him off. The Werewolf yelped as he crunched into the tunnel wall.

The stag's powerful shoulders and back were stained scarlet, the earth all around him crimson with the blood that dripped off him. He panted, slowly growing weaker as a result of his blood loss. The werewolf, who had been cowering on the opposite side of the tunnel, seemed to sense this and began to slink towards him.

The stag snorted and lowered his antlers threateningly, scraping at the hard earth with his hooves and readying himself for battle. The werewolf bared his teeth and slowly prowled forward to face his foe. The fur around his mouth was matted with blood.

He lunged toward the stag with superhuman agility, teeth sinking into the soft flesh of his neck for an instant before the stag's formidable antlers caught him in the stomach, throwing him off. He attacked again, this time drawing blood from the stag's upper leg moments before his own leg was trampled, and he was kicked away.

The stag slowly grew weary under the werewolf's renewed attacks, each time fending him off, but each time with defences a little more feeble. The werewolf hounded him, driving him to exhaustion and using his own remarkable dexterity to avoid serious injury. In the cramped environment of the tunnel, after sustaining so much blood loss, the stag was fighting a loosing battle.

The werewolf stalked forward with a predatory gleam in his eyes, aware that the end was near. He lunged at the stag's legs once more. The stag's front leg buckled under his weight, and his injured body fell heavily to the floor. The werewolf bayed in triumph and closed in for the kill.

* * *

Lily watched through the window as Sirius streaked across the grounds, and from her place at the door, saw the faint glow of light as he transformed. Silence reigned in the cabin as Lily continued to stare out of the window, trying to penetrate the darkness that cloaked the grounds. She silently willed James to appear, shouting and laughing in the arc of light surrounding the cabin. He didn't.

Finally snapping out of his shocked daze, Hagrid jumped to his feet, slopping stew down his front. Recognizing the distressed state his surprise guest was in, he tactfully chose to ignore her unorthodox entrance, and he ushered her towards his large, scarred wooden table.

"Si' down, si' down! Lily, was it? Yeh, like some stew?" he offered kindly, ladling some into a rough wooden bowl without waiting for her answer. He set it front of her and sat back down opposite her. At a complete loss as to what to do with this foreign creature that had so suddenly been thrust into his care, Hagrid began to slurp at his stew again, for want of anything better to do.

* * *

The sense of urgency that had been building inside of Sirius since his second confrontation with Lily seemed to double as he ran back towards the willow, pushing him to speeds that would have rivaled an Olympic sprinter. A swath of light fell across the grounds, and he looked towards the castle to see the silhouette of Snape framed in the doorway before the huge oak doors swung shut.

So James had succeeded in getting Snape out of danger but was now down there on his own. Sirius transformed and bounded towards the willow, not even bothering to freeze it but pelting strait towards its base so quickly that its branches failed to stop him.

The dog darted down the tunnel, intent on its destination. About halfway to the shack, his acute sense of smell picked up the scent of blood. He heard a heavy thump right before he saw them, and then they came into view. The werewolf stood over the stag and bayed, face upturned and mouth smeared with blood. Then, he went in for the kill.

The dog growled and knocked the werewolf off of his friend, taking him by surprise. The werewolf quickly recovered, turning his wrath on the one who had come between himself and his prey. The dog and the werewolf locked together in battle, but the werewolf was already weary from his fight against the stag.

He charged at the dog, who quickly dodged around him. The werewolf's momentum carried him hard into the tunnel wall, and he collapsed on the ground, cowering. The dog bit his back ankle and dragged him roughly back towards the shrieking shack.

The werewolf was dragged forcefully through the shrieking shack by the shaggy black dog into one of the many rooms. The dog released his ankle and stood over him, growling in warning. The dog swiftly left the room, and, just outside the door, he transformed into a panting boy, who slammed the door shut and quickly produced his wand to lock the door.

Then, just as fast as the boy had appeared, he was gone, and in his place was a black dog, who raced back down the tunnel to his fallen friend.

* * *

Throughout the stilted conversation that Lily took part in with Hagrid, her eyes remained firmly glued to the window, scanning for any sign of movement. The gamekeeper, realizing how distracted his companion was, soon finished his stew and went about the business of skinning a dead polecat in silence, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

She seemed not to have noticed the absence of conversation or even his removal from the table, so riveted was she to the darkness outside. She started at each movement of a branch in the wind, and the frown marring her pretty face seemed to grow deeper as the minutes wore on.

Hagrid jumped when, in the middle of skinning his polecat, she emitted a strangled cry and bolted from her seat, knocking it to the floor. She had flung the cabin door open and was streaking down the grounds before he had even put his polecat down.

Lily sprinted towards the stag that was limping after his companion, and, with only a short distance left to the cabin, it seemed he could go no further. She watched in horror as his body sank to the ground. In seconds, she was by his side, softly stoking his neck and whispering soothing words to him. Her fingers were sticky with blood and her face wet with tears, but she was so concentrated on the being before her that she did not notice anything else.

With what seemed like his last shred of energy, the stag transformed, leaving in his place a beaten and bloody raven-haired boy. Lily pulled his head and shoulders onto her lap, stroking gentle fingers through his hair.

"It's okay James; everything is going to be okay." Even in his current state, he seemed to realize that she was trying to reassure herself as much as him.

"S'okay," he croaked weakly.

"I need my wand," she said desperately, fumbling through her pockets. "Damn it! Where is it? Sirius I need my bloody wand!" She was almost hysterical, and the anxious boy beside them quickly produced his own wand.

"Accio Lily's wand," he muttered. The wand zoomed out of the darkness from where she had dropped it into his waiting fingers. He hastily thrust it at her, and she grabbed it gratefully, sniffing and wiping at her face in an effort to compose herself.

Hagrid's booming voice penetrated the darkness around them, and Sirius' panicked eyes swivelled to Lily.

"No one can know! You have to fix… I have to go… Hagrid… No one can know!" he whispered urgently at her, his eyes pleading for her to do something. She swiftly nodded her head and lowered her wand to a large gash on James' arm, whispering words he couldn't hear. Sirius stood transfixed as, slowly, James' flesh began to knit together under Lily's wand. "I have to go," he whispered again, frozen in place, gaze still trained on the people in front of him. Slowly, he swivelled around, loath to leave them, then broke into a run in the direction of the gamekeepers' cabin.

James lay, barely conscious and covered in blood, across Lily's lap, while Lily hunched over him, murmuring softly, tracing his wounds with her wand, tears still flowing freely down her face.

**AN:** That was my longest chapter so far, yay! Please review and tell me what you think! It'll brighten up my day after I've been through the horrors of biochemistry tutorials. Also I was slightly nervous about this one, especially the fight scenes, so I'd love to know what you guys think, and constructive crit is welcome!


	10. Fear

**AN:** Thank you's etc. at the bottom!

**Chapter 10: Fear**

Long after she had finished healing his many wounds, Lily sat on the grass in the pitch dark, clutching an unconscious James to her chest and sobbing uncontrollably. Finally, when it seemed she had no tears left to cry, she took a deep breath and composed herself. Gently, she moved James' upper body off her lap and unsteadily got to her feet. She looked down at him, lying prone on the cold earth and felt a fresh wave of tears rising within her. She choked them back and again took up her wand. With a deft flick, James' unconscious form was floating at her side.

Slowly, she made her way back up to the castle with James bobbing beside her. She paused at the oak doors, still visibly shaken and now unsure of what to do. Where should she take him? They couldn't go to the hospital wing . . . but he really needed to be in the hospital wing. How would she even get him anywhere without anyone seeing? And how on earth was she supposed to avoid Filch while levitating him?

She finally decided to take him up to Gryffindor tower and use a disillusionment charm to conceal him. It was all she could do to hope like hell that luck was on their side with regards to Filch. The path to Gryffindor tower was slow and nerve wracking, and she was forced to move at snail's pace in order to make sure she didn't drop James, since she couldn't actually see him; she gave every statue and suit of armor a wide birth for fear of sending her charge crashing into one. This made Lily feel particularly exposed, as she wasn't able to stick to the shadows the way she usually would, and it forced her to take a long circuitous route using only little known secret passages and dingy disused corridors.

By the time they arrived at the portrait of the fat lady, Lily's nerves were shot, and the combination of fear and exhaustion threatened to send her into hysteria. The fat lady was not at all charmed by Lily's late night appearance and started on what promised to be a lengthy lecture on 'forays into the illegal' before Lily cut her off with the password. Her irritable grumbles and questions as to why exactly Miss Evans was pointing a wand at thin air fell on deaf ears as Lily scrambled through the portrait hole.

There was a thump and then a small groan as James' head collided with the doorway. Lily swore, and the few remaining people in the common room turned and fixed their eyes upon her. She pasted a smile on her face and tried to act normal. A few of the students had already turned back to their work, but those that hadn't were now staring at her in a mixture of terror and grotesque fascination. Lily belatedly realized that she now looked anything but normal and tried to school her features into a less frightening expression. Giving up, she made her way up the boys' staircase, ignoring the curious looks, with James in tow.

Their room was deserted, and she found herself wishing that Sirius was with her. She felt very alone and helpless. She carefully lowered James onto his bed and removed the disillusionment charm. In the light she could see that he was paper white, still covered in dirt and blood. She stripped off his shirt and conjured a bowl of warm water and a sponge. When Sirius finally arrived back from giving Hagrid a cover story, he walked into the room to find Lily tenderly sponging off an unconscious James. At first she didn't even notice his presence, so absorbed was she in her task, and Sirius felt as though he was intruding on something private, something sacred. He cleared his throat, and she looked up. He had expected to find anger in her eyes, but he saw only fear, and to his surprise: relief.

"Sirius," she breathed out his name, a sigh of gratitude, as if the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. Ignoring his guilt, he walked slowly towards James, almost afraid to look at what he had done to his best friend. He was white as a sheet with angry red marks slashing across his torso and large gashes that seemed to be too stubborn for even Lily's spell work to heal. She was watching him anxiously, as if waiting for some cue from him, and he suddenly felt that the weight that had been lifted from her shoulders had been placed squarely on his. He turned and met her eyes; she looked so vulnerable.

"What can I get that'll help him?" His question snapped Lily back into leadership mode. she seemed to flounder for a moment, but quickly gained confidence, her mind latching on to the idea of all the things that would help James and running with it.

"Uuuuh, Murtlap Essence . . . help with the pain . . . heal faster," she murmured to herself. "You're going to have to steal Murtlap from the dungeons," she instructed. "And scarab. I'll need crushed scarabs and . . ." The list went on, and he grabbed a quill and parchment off Remus' desk and hastily jotted the items down as she reeled them off. Next, she conjured two glass bottles and quickly labelled them before handing them to him. "I need you to fill these up at the hospital wing. They take ages to make, and we don't have the time. Madame Pomfrey should leave at dawn to fetch Remus, so that's your best shot. Be careful with the bright blue one, keep it as cold as you can, and don't slosh it around too much." He wanted to know why but was afraid of her answer.

He was half way out the door when she called out to him. "Where d'you keep your potions kit?" He pointed towards Remus' trunk and then sped out the door without a backwards glance.

* * *

Sirius slunk quickly and quietly down the corridor towards the dungeons. He blended expertly into the shadows, holding his breath and pressing himself into the wall at the slightest sounds. Never had it mattered so much that he not get caught. On the second floor he almost ran into the caretaker's cat.

He saw her eyes first, gleaming orbs in the distance, and for a second he stopped breathing. He made a mad dash for a tapestry that concealed a staircase. Ripping it aside, he took the stairs three at a time, almost plunging to his doom more than once. He burst out of the other end and toppled over the landing behind a rather large and ugly statue of a long-dead wizard who had, at some obscure point in time, done something to merit the creation of this statue. Neither Sirius nor the rest of the population of Hogwarts particularly cared what this once esteemed man had done, but at that moment Sirius was particularly glad he'd done it because the statue was the only thing obscuring him from Filch's watchful eyes.

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief when Filch's shuffling footsteps finally faded away, and he made his way to the dungeons without further incident. Once there, he immediately fell upon Slughorn's personal supply closet. The lock was stubborn and refused to give way to any of the spells he tried. However, the owner had not anticipated a different kind of attack, and when Sirius produced his muggle lock-picks the lock was no match.

Sirius enlarged his pockets and set about stuffing every ingredient on Lily's list into them, along with anything else that looked as though it may be useful. Then he carefully re-ordered the closet in an attempt to mask his theft, locked it, and sped back towards Gryffindor tower.

* * *

Lily rummaged around in Remus' mostly empty trunk until she found his potions kit, quickly setting it up and then casting around for something to do. She looked over the simple ingredients the potions kit contained. Her mind came up with plenty of potions she could make with only them . . . none of which would help James. She walked back over to him and brushed his messy hair out of his eyes. He would be okay. Even without going to the hospital wing he would be okay. It was just going to take a little while. She repeated this to herself again.

A small part of her didn't believe it. A nagging fear in the pit of her stomach told her that he was going to leave her. He was going to give up and die and leave her all on her own.

She hated how much that terrified her.

The intensity of her fear scared her. It made her want to run away, to retreat.

But something stopped her from doing that. She was drawn to him with a force that overrode the force of her fear. And that scared her even more; the fact that she wanted to stay, even needed to stay.

She shook her head, trying to clear away her nonsensical thoughts. She brushed her hand over his hair again, needing the solid reassurance of touch, the proof that he was indeed there.

"You're going to be okay," she whispered to him. "You're going to be alright." She bent down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. She felt tired, so exhausted. Without pausing to think about it, she climbed into the bed behind him, wrapping an arm around him. "You're going to be okay," she repeated softly, before drifting into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Sirius barged through the door, loudly declaring, "Alright! I have R . . ." before his words puttered out at the sight of Lily and James. Lily's eyes snapped open to meet his and then widened and flashed with guilt. She sat bolt upright, her whole face going red as quickly as a traffic light, looking extremely flustered and sputtering out unintelligible excuses. Sirius tactfully chose to ignore this behaviour, and continued with the speech he had started on arrival. When he was done, his bed was covered in potions ingredients, and he was looking at Lily with an uncertain "Have I done good?" expression that five year olds often wear on their faces.

Lily's eyes sparkled at the virtual treasure trove in front of her. Oh, the potions that she could make with this! The only word that came to mind was, "Wow!" Satisfied with this, Sirius swiftly departed on his mission to the hospital wing, leaving Lily to her potions.

A little while later, James finally regained consciousness, opening his eyes to see Lily grinding away at something with a mortar and pestle while a small cauldron bubbled away next to her. He felt sticky and looked down at himself to find he'd been stripped to his boxers and almost every inch of his skin was covered in wet bandages.

"Ah . . . Hey," he managed to get out, his voice faint and scratchy. Lily looked up, almost afraid to check if she'd been imagining things. He was awake. A smile came unbidden to her lips.

"James," she said softly, with such happiness and awe that he felt invincible. If she would only say his name like that a few more times, he was sure he'd be completely cured and shouting from the rooftops.

* * *

When Sirius got back from the hospital wing it was just after dawn. James was asleep again, and Lily was applying a revolting smelling ointment to James' shoulder, which appeared to be his most serious wound. Sirius walked quietly over to where Lily sat and put the potions she had asked for on the bedside table beside her. She nodded her thanks and immediately grabbed the bottle of blue potion and measured most of it out into a goblet. Gently, she shook James awake and commanded him to drink, urging him on when he wanted to stop drinking. He wrinkled his nose when he was done and muttered something that sounded like "disgusting", before gulping down a few sips of the water that Lily handed him and going back to sleep.

Sirius watched silently throughout their interaction and a strange feeling stole over him: a strange sense of foreboding.

**AN:** Hi everyone! I hope you enjoyed this one, it was a bit fillerish, but it needed to be done. The next one is almost finished, but I have decided that I'll only post it in about two weeks, if you guys want it sooner than that, then REVIEW. If I get over twelve I promise to update within the week, but otherwise you shall wait, since I was rather disappointed with the number of reviews I got for the last chapter! Come on guys, I got twelve for chapter 8, and then all of a sudden I'm down to 8! There are like sixty of you who have me on your alert lists and only eight reviewing! You can do better than that! Anywho, I promise to reply to all who review, and to all my faithful reviewers, you are all wonderful and lovely and fabulous and I hope you live long and happy lives filled with chocolate and sunflowers!

Oh, and if you didn't review the last chapter because it was crap, then please review and tell me it was crap!

Anyway, big thanks go out to my beta: **Lyny Angell**, as well as all my magnificent reviewers: **Sarah, Eckzr0, PhoenixWeasley, Lyny Angell, -Scp-, this-recurring-dream, Untamed Loner** and **twinkley-toes**


	11. Ruptured Tension

**AN:**Hi everyone! Sorry this is a little late; our computer network has been down for three days here at uni. Thank you so much to all my fantabulous reviewers: this-recurring-dream, lilynprongs, sammiiejeanne, girlbrighteyes, miranda, inmydreamworld, IWantToMarryJames, jillybean90, SiriusLoverr, bithya, PhoenixWeasley, Lexy Granger, Sarah, Sami, Lacewings, -Scp-, Mrs Claire Potter (special thanks for reviewing all of my chapters!), twinkly-toes, Miss-Happy, and AngelMerryElve.

Thanks also to my beta Lyny Angell, even though this isn't the beta'd version, which will be up soon. In the mean time, beware of my punctuation (and sometimes spelling too! How do you spell Pomfry?)

As always, reviews and constructive criticism are very welcome and appreciated, and I promise to reply to you individually if you leave a signed review or e-mail address, or if you'd like to send me a PM.

**Chapter 11: Ruptured Tension**

There were many times in Lily Evans' life that she later learned to look back on fondly, but James' slow recovery from injury was not one of these. The weeks that it took his body to fully regenerate were tense and emotionally charged, fraught with tense silences and fear of discovery. And through it all they felt an undercurrent, seeping intangibly into everything they said and did and sweeping them powerfully along with it, to what they knew not.

This sense of foreboding, the threat of change looming over their heads, left them all constantly on edge.

When James was finally declared to be in good health, Lily had optimistically expected the tension to ease slightly, but was dismayed to find that the presence of a recovered James made every day life all the more nerve wracking. James and Sirius seemed to have a terrible animosity for each other that bubbled under the surface of their every interaction. Sirius had for a short time forgotten everything in his worry for his friend, but when it was ascertained that James was no longer in mortal danger, James prior offences once again took root in his mind, and became the source of the hostility on his side. James' own anger could hardly be ignored either, as his best friend was solely responsible for James' injuries. While this enmity had been somewhat suppressed on both sides while James was unwell, it was now barely restrained and seemed to grow daily.

This dark mood seemed to pervade through the whole castle, as if it were contagious. Lily could almost see an elastic band stretching between the two boys, the tension slowly mounting as they pulled further and further apart while the whole school watched and waited for the elastic to snap. And snap it would, of that she was sure, in a manner that would no doubt be explosive.

* * *

Sirius stormed into the sixth year boys dorm scowling and threw himself down onto his bed. He was just waiting for an excuse to blow off some steam. He looked up to see glaring hazel eyes. He ground his teeth, and growled out; 

"_What_ do _you_ want?"

James rolled his eyes and turned his back on Sirius. This passive aggressive move seemed to fuel Sirius anger, and he sought a release for all his pent up frustration and rage.

"Don't ignore me asshole!" James made no reply, and proceeded to pretend he was alone to spite Sirius, who grew the more furious and determined for confrontation. Sirius kicked over a chair as he stormed across the room to invade James personal space. "Look at me you fucking coward! Just do something!" James bestowed a look of cold contempt on him before side stepping him and making for the exit with a holier-than-thou air. Incensed Sirius whipped around and magically slammed and locked the door before James could get out.

"Perhaps you were supposed to be in Slytherin," Sirius jeered, "Abandoning friends does seem like something they would do. And running away from a fight too, didn't your father ever tell you that was a cowardly thing to do? Is little Jamie scared?" He baited.

James stood perfectly still; numb. The shock of having his parents thrown in his face taking over his whole mind for a moment. His mother had called him Jamie. He had made her stop when he had first come to Hogwarts, his eleven year old self mortified by the pet name, but sometimes she'd still affectionately used it. And is father… how dare that bastard even mention his father!

A look of pure hatred flashed across James' face, and Sirius was momentarily taken aback. "Don't you ever, _ever_ speak about _my father_ again!" James whispered.

"I will say any bloody thing I please you son of a bitch!" Sirius yelled back. James snapped and dove at Sirius, knocking him off his feat and swinging his fist into his mid-section. Sirius reacted by bringing his own fists into the fray and landing a solid punch to James jaw which sent him reeling back…

* * *

Lily slipped up the steps to the boys' dormitories to give James a fresh tub of ointment for his shoulder wound, which still hadn't completely healed. She reached their door, which was strangely closed, and turned the door handle to go in. The door wouldn't budge. She tried again; with no success. She knocked. There was no response. Assuming no one was in; she turned to leave, when an almighty crash rent the air. 

It had come from inside the room. She knocked again, this time more urgently and called for the door to be opened. Nothing happened, and she could hear scuffling sounds from the other side of the door. She crouched down and looked through the key-hole. Inside she saw a flailing mass of arms and legs.

"Shit!" She exclaimed, banging furiously on the door, "let me in!" She took out her wand and started performing every charm she knew on the door. "_Alohomora! Alohomora! Diffendo! Effervease! _Open the fucking door!" She shouted, pounding her fists on the door uselessly.

"Stop it! Sirius you'll hurt him! Stop it, STOP IT!" She screamed, still hammering on the door with all her might. She kicked it hard, and the last of her energy seemed to sap out of her. She leaned her back against the door and slid to the floor in defeat, banging her head rhythmically against the door, she whispered; "Please just stop it."

* * *

On the other side of the door Sirius and James paid no heed to the noise Lily was making, indeed they barely heard it. They were focused solely on causing each other as much pain as possible. Eventually, driven by righteous fury and ignoring his throbbing shoulder wound, James gained the upper hand and grabbed Sirius by his lapels, shoving him into the wall. 

"Who the fuck do you think you are talking about my parents like that you bastard! You really are a Black, aren't you?"

It was a low blow, one designed to hurt as much as he'd been hurt at the mention of his own parents. An expression of pain and shock passed quickly across Sirius' face but was quickly replaced by a mask of cold indifference.

"You know you're right," Sirius said coldly, "I shouldn't have brought your parents into this. I know them, and they didn't teach you to be such a bastard. If they knew how you've been treating people, and how you've deserted your friends, they would be _ashamed_ of you. You're not the friend I knew; I don't even know you anymore Potter." James felt himself spinning out of control, like his mind had vacated his body and it was doing whatever it wanted without his permission.

"No, you really don't know me anymore! And since they're dead," He ground out harshly, "I don't think Mum and Dad really give a shit."

Sirius stood in shell-shocked silence. His mind refused to absorb the information that had so harshly been thrown at him. James stood glaring at him.

"They're dead?" He asked, still unable to comprehend it. "But… No…" He looked up, and in James cold eyes he found all the confirmation he needed. He wanted to pinch himself, to wake up from this horrible nightmare, because this just couldn't be real.

"When?" He choked out, past the growing lump in his throat. James remained motionless, his alarmingly cold eyes still fixed on Sirius. "God damn it, WHEN?" Sirius screamed, shoving James in an attempt to get some sort of reaction from him. Sirius stared at James as if seeing an alien, and everything started to make sense. "It was at Easter wasn't it?" He asked, livid, as it dawned on him. James still made no response. "Fuck! You've known for weeks and you never told me!" He got angrier as he thought about it, and the grief he felt seemed to have found a channel out of him in his anger. "I knew them too! I loved them too! They were practically my bloody parents too!" He screamed, enraged, shoving James at the end of each exclamation.

"You have your own fucking parents, and they aren't dead!" James screamed back, before blowing the door off of its hinges and leaving Sirius standing motionless in the room.

* * *

Lily screamed as the door supporting her was blown forward with a force that slammed her into the unyielding stone wall opposite her. She crumpled to the floor with bits of door crashing into her. 

James froze a step outside of the doorway. The sight of a broken figure half hidden by bits of their door penetrated through his angry haze. Even obscured as it was he could make out one distinguishing feature. Her brilliant scarlet hair.

He couldn't seem to move a muscle; like in a nightmare where some death eater was chasing him, but he was rooted to the spot. The terror had frozen him in place.

Remus came rushing up the stairs at the sound of the door being blasted away. His face was haggard, a result of many sleepless nights plagued by guilt for what he had done to James. What he found at the top of the stairs was enough to dive away every demon that had haunted him in those endless nights.

James stood stock still, framed by the doorway with a stricken look on his face such as Remus had never seen before. His haunted eyes were locked on Lily, who lay limp beneath a pile of debris, just as still as James, but in a different; more frighteningly lifeless, manner.

The debris shifted slightly and a small moan escaped from beneath it.

"Oh God, Lily!" Remus breathed out, rushing forward and throwing large bits of wood off of her. He knelt beside her, carefully avoiding touching her. "Lily?" He asked, "Lily can you hear me?" There was a small moan of assent, and the crumpled girl made a valiant attempt to open her eyes. "Just stay still Lily, just hang on, we're going to get you out of here." There was another noise of assent, which resulted in a painful coughing fit. Lily felt like there was a giant titanium claw clamping down on her chest. Every breath felt like it could kill her. Her shining eyes snapped open, and in them her torture was revealed.

When James saw those eyes he felt like someone had run him through with a sword. "Oh God! I'm sorry. . . I'm so sorry Lily. . . I'm so sorry. . ." It was the only thing he seemed capable of doing, and he did it, over and over again until he was practically unintelligible.

"Prongs!" Remus called, "James! JAMES!" He took him by the shoulders, breaking his eye contact with Lily and forcing him to look at him.

"You need to calm down! Lily needs your help!" This seemed to pull James together somewhat, and a fire of determination was lit in his eyes. His jaw locked and he nodded.

Then together they put her in a full body bind, not wanting to do further damage to her, and carefully levitated her to the hospital wing.

* * *

Madame Pomfry rushed to Lily's side the second they set foot in the doors.

"Sweet Merlin, what on earth happened?" She demanded to know, taking the immobile Lily off their hands and skillfully maneuvering her onto a bed.

James face immediately became a mask of guilt.

"She fell off her broomstick." Remus quickly supplied, avoiding the shrewd woman's eyes. Her piercing gaze swept over them briefly, not entirely convinced of the story, before hastily returning to her patient. With a wave of her wand the curtains around Lily's bed swung closed; the healers manner of dismissing the boys from her presence.


	12. A spark of something and a stone wall

**AN:** Hi everyone! Here's the next chapter, and it's miraculous I've got it out so fast considering how busy I've been, I'm afraid the next one may be a while because I have a huge test I should be studying for right now and my exams are around the corner. Thanks so much for the wonderful response to the last chapter!

Hugs and thanks go out to: marie, bithya, PhoenixWeasley, this-recurring-dream, EternalWords, JohnMayer1207, Friar Freaking Lawrence (or Black-Sparrow), S.c.ou.s.er.4.li.f.e, serenity12345, Mrs Claire Potter, Wicked7193, Sarah, -scp-, Lexy Granger, Lyny Angell, twinkly-toes and girlbrighteyes.

And thanks especially to my beta Lyny Angell, who has been very busy but still found time to take care of all my mistakes. You're a star!

As always, reviews and constructive criticism are much loved and appreciated, and I will reply to everyone who sends a signed review or leaves an e-mail address.

**Chapter 12: A spark of something and a stone wall**

James sat by Lily's bed in the hospital wing, staring at her sleeping face. Madame Pomfrey had worked wonders on her. Within half an hour the healer had mended several cracked ribs, a broken arm, and dispelled a concussion and some minor cuts and bruises. She then forced a liberal amount of sleeping draught down Lily's throat and declared that she was to be kept overnight for observation. So here James sat, and here he would sit until Madame Pomfrey booted him out.

He looked at her peaceful form and couldn't help but remember what she had looked like under the splinters of his door and what she had looked like when Remus had pulled everything off her. He shuddered, remembering the pain in her eyes and the brokenness of her body. It had been his fault.

For possibly the worst moment of his life, a moment that had felt like an eternity, he had thought that she was dead. He had thought that he had killed Lily.

When his parents had died, he had assumed that it had been the worst thing that could possibly happen to him. He had drowned himself in his grief and ignored everything that he still had to be thankful for. Although his parents' death was still heart wrenchingly painful and still the worst thing that had ever happened to him, and he still mourned for them, he now realized that he still had so much to live for, so much going for him. . . so much to loose.

He had either ignored or taken for granted every person that truly meant something to him. Now he shuddered to think how close he had come to losing one of them. He couldn't have handled losing her as well.

He leant over and rested his head and arm on her soft stomach, taking her small pale hand in his. He marvelled at the feel of her skin, the silky smoothness under his calloused hands. His eyes roved the angles of her face, fingers itching to trace her jaw line. He reached up and tenderly brushed a lock of hair aside, tracing the shell of her ear as he tucked it away. He skimmed her cheek with the back of his fingers, allowing his knuckles to graze her lips before tracing the tips of his fingers down the column of her neck. They stopped at the hollow of her throat, slowly drawing small circles there.

James watched in fascination as goose bumps rose on Lily's arms in response to his touch. He heard the shuffling of Madame Pomfrey from the other side of the curtain and quickly withdrew his hand, immediately sitting up strait again. He felt like a voyeur or like a thief, stealing something he hadn't earned. Still, his hand remained in hers.

Soon he was shooed out of the hospital wing by the rather irate healer, and he dragged his feet slowly towards the tower. He felt each step away from her, acutely aware of his need to be near her, his ache to protect her, to hold her in his arms and never allow anything to harm her again. By the time he reached his destination he felt as if a lead weight had been dropped into his stomach.

He stood in the entrance of the tower and surveyed their safe haven. Suddenly it seemed so forgotten, so lifeless, as if Lily had some indefinable magic about her that brought the place to life. Slowly, he walked towards the old astronomy equipment that squatted inconspicuously near the wall. Leaning down, he dragged out Lily's blanket and his sketchbook and pencil. He spread the blanket out on the cold stone floor, as Lily liked to. It smelled like her; he lay down on his stomach and for a long moment he pressed his forehead into the soft material and inhaled deeply, savouring her scent.

He reached out an arm and dragged his sketchpad toward him, leafing to a blank page. His fingers found the familiar cylinder of his pencil and his mind slowly went blank, concentrating entirely on the image of Lily as he'd traced her features. Then, slowly, his pencil descended on the paper, deft lines bringing her image to life.

* * *

Lily's eyes fluttered open to look upon James sitting slumped over in the chair next to her bed; he gazed at some point on her bed that she could not see. His eyes were ringed in black, and he looked haggard, but despite this her heart seemed to flutter when her eyes locked on him. The corners of her mouth curled upwards unknowingly. For what felt like an eternity, she lay content to watch him.

When his eyes snapped up to hers her stomach clenched and her pulse quickened. He squeezed her hand gently.

"Lily," he breathed out, his voice gravelly with exhaustion.

She looked down and found the point that his gaze had been fixed on: their hands were joined; his calloused fingers laced through hers. He gently squeezed her hand again, and she mused on how natural it felt, thoughts lazily floating through her mind. She looked back up into his hazel eyes and was brought abruptly back down to earth by the worry she saw there.

"What happened James?" She asked in confusion, finally registering where she was and remembering bits of what had occurred the night before. His eyes dropped away from hers and back to their joined hands. He was silent for a charged moment, and Lily searched his face for answers. Finally, he looked back up at her.

"I'm so sorry Lily," he whispered, eyes full of pain and remorse. "I'm so sorry," he repeated. She said nothing, just lay looking at him with green eyes that begged for answers and promised forgiveness. And so, quietly, he told her exactly what had happened, because James Potter had never been able to deny Lily Evans anything.

Lily couldn't understand how so few words could cause such turmoil. She couldn't understand what she was feeling; there were too many mixed emotions warring in her chest. There was hurt and anger and disappointment and regret and sympathy and longing and forgiveness and, above all, just general confusion caused by the chaos of her emotions. She looked away from him, not sure how to react, down to their joined hands as if they held all the answers. And an exhaustion seemed to override all her other feelings then, a sense of fatigue at all of the turmoil that constantly shook her life, and with it, came acceptance. Things had happened, she could acknowledge that, but she was so tired of dealing with their repercussions, so tired of the onslaught of feelings and consequences. Now, there was just acceptance. It had happened, and it was over, and that was it.

She looked back up at James with weary eyes, and said simply:

"Okay."

Confusion was evident on his face, and eyes bored into her asking, _what does that mean?_ She ignored his questioning eyes and slowly began to get up. She wanted to leave this place, to retreat to her bed and try to sleep off the exhaustion; she wanted this whole ordeal to be over.

Slowly, she managed to climb to her feet, her body still feeling tender and weak. Her hand still in James', she made the short trip to Madame Pomfrey's office and quietly told the healer she was leaving with such certainty that the woman barely put up an argument. In a very short space of time James found himself dazedly escorting Lily back to her room.

* * *

Over the next few days, James forced himself to be present. It was a painful experience, one that made him realize just how absent he had been in his grief and just what a mess he had made in his life. And while James was finally waking up to his life, Lily seemed to be retreating from hers. She seemed so indifferent, as if she had decided to switch off her emotions, and the passion that had always driven her actions seemed to be gone.

Sirius watched this happen: he saw his best friend re-emerge and noticed the renewed efforts he put into his grades, his relationships, and even his care for himself. He was still furious with James, and even more he was hurt. He could tell that James still harboured anger towards him, which seemed to be tempered with guilt as well, but a small part of him was still glad at the change in James.

The change he found in Lily was far less pleasing. A certain amount of companionship had sprung up between them during their joint efforts to help James, and Sirius had begun to look at Lily as an almost-friend. Now she seemed so world weary and shut down, so completely different from the fiery woman he had begun to know.

At length he decided that an intervention was necessary, and, considering how well the last one had come off, he was rather apprehensive about it. Finally he decided to bite the bullet and managed to corner her in the deserted charms corridor late one afternoon.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" She asked, voice conveying all her exhaustion. She felt sapped and didn't have the energy to fight with him.

"Look, I'm not trying to fight with you okay, I'm just . . ." he hesitated for a second, looking very unsure of himself. "You're gonna have to give me minute cause I'm not so good at all this talking-about-your-feelings shit. . . although Merlin knows I've been doing enough of it lately." He paused again, seeming to be gathering his thoughts, and, in an unguarded moment, Lily could see that he was just as fatigued as she was. In response she let her guard down as well, because being constantly on the defensive and wary of attacks was draining.

"I guess I'm just worried about you," Sirius admitted unhappily, as if dragging the information forth was painful and humiliating. Lily's eyes jumped immediately to his in surprise, and she had no idea how to react. She stood stock still and silent until he grudgingly continued.

"You've shut yourself off," he stated matter-of-factly, and she had to wonder at his paying enough attention to her to make such an observation. "You already know that, because I'm sure you're doing it consciously, and I'm sure you have your reasons. Maybe you think that it'll be easier this way and that ignoring everything and shutting it out will be less painful and exhausting than dealing with your shit. And maybe you're right about that, but don't take the easy way out Lily. Trust me when I tell you that it's only going to cause you that much more pain in the long run."

And then with sad eyes, he turned and left, and Lily's eyes followed his retreating figure down the deserted corridor while her mind whirred.


	13. I like mud

**AN: **Hi guys! Sorry it's taken me a bit longer to get this up, and sorry I took so long with your review replies… that will not happen again! Real life really got in my way! First our network here at university was down, so I had no internet connection, then I got sick at the most inconvenient time conceivable, and then I had to catch upon all the work, and the gigantic test, that I had missed… so life has been rather hectic of late!

Thank you to all of you who reviewed: Lexy Granger, Bithya, Lyny Angell, Wicked7193, HalfBloodHannah, serenity12345, JohnMayer1207, Red n Black Roses, -Scp-, SiriusLoverr, Sarah, thestralwhisperer, girlbrighteyes and orangeokapi13.

Those of you who have reviewed, you are fantastic! But honestly guys… why are there so few of you reviewing! If you think its crap review and tell me! I don't care if you only send a sentence, hell, even just a word will do. I think my problem with reviewing is that I never know what to say, so now I'll give you something to say! I'm going to start asking questions in each chapter. Here goes: Who is your least favorite character in the Harry Potter series? And do you think this is a ridiculous idea? Fell free to give one word answers, or motivate your answers, or review without answering the questions. As always constructive criticism is very welcome, and I promise to reply to every review individually and promptly this time!

Big thanks go out to my beta, Lyny-the-star ;) and also to SiriusLoverr who inspired me to write a more light-hearted chapter with her review, and twinkly-toes… the last part is entirely her fault! She's been badgering me in her reviews for weeks… which goes to show that if you are determined enough you generally get what you want! You're fab ;) Everyone else is encouraged to do the same.

I really hope you all enjoy this new angle!

**Chapter 13: I like mud**

Lily stood for a good quarter of an hour staring down the passage, knowing with her whole heart that Sirius was right. But she didn't know how to handle the drama that was her life. It was like a bad soap opera. In fact it was worse then a bad soap opera, East Enders had nothing on her life! But with startling clarity she realized that it didn't have to be this way. She had power over her own destiny. She controlled how she felt. And just for once, she decided she was going to be happy. She was going to put all the crappy things that had happened in her life behind her and be happy. Because the more she thought about them, the more she realized that there was nothing she could do to change the past, but she had power over her present.

She turned around and ran with reckless abandon to the tower where she knew James would be waiting.

She burst through the door with such momentum that it slammed and shook the whole tower. And James jumped about a foot in the air in shock. He wished he could have taken a photograph of her in that moment. There was a wide grin plastered across her face, and her hair was wild on her shoulders.

"Let's be happy James!" She declared abruptly. "You know what I just realized? What's done is done, and there's nothing that we can do to change that, but we can _do_ and _feel_ whatever we want now. We have power over our present. I'm done letting everything that happened years ago, weeks ago, days ago, hold me back! No regrets. Let's be happy!" And without waiting for his response she grabbed his wrist and started pulling him down the stairs at a run.

"Where are we going?" He asked, laughing; her happiness was contagious.

"Anywhere! Nowhere! I don't know… just away from here!"

"Okay." He agreed, looking at her with adoration, completely mesmerized by her abandon.

"What shall we do?" She asked aloud almost to herself, "Let's do something fun! Let's fly! I want to fly! Do you think you can transfigure me into a bird?" She asked, and he honestly believed she was being serious. He laughed so hard his stomach hurt.

"Well, if you have a better idea James Potter then let's hear it!"

"Well Lily Evans, there's this wonderful invention called a broomstick!" He teased.

"A broomstick! No… what is this broomstick you speak of, this is a new and foreign concept?" James laughed again, and Lily whacked him playfully.

"To the Quidditch pitch!" She declared, once again setting off at a run. "Race ya there!"

"Hey! You don't play fair!" He shouted running after her. He caught her easily before they had reached the entrance hall, but she stuck out her foot to trip him up and he went sprawling into a suit of armor. She didn't stop to help him back up, but kept running through the front doors, though severely slowed by her laughter.

He caught up to her again on the grounds, and this time showed no mercy. He tackled her, and they fell laughingly onto the grass. After a minute or so they lay side by side, breathless from laughter.

"I'm going to have bruises tomorrow because of you!" Lily accused, sticking her tongue out at James.

"As you fully deserve to have Madame! I lost half of my brain cells to that suit of armor!" At this she started laughing again, and was clutching her sides and rolling on the grass before long.

"Alright that's quite enough!" He declared, getting to his feet and tossing her over his shoulder. She kicked, squirmed and protested, but it was a half hearted attempt to escape by all accounts, as she was still laughing too hard to really care that her behind was sticking rather unattractively into the air.

At the Quidditch pitch he set her down, and then pulled out his wand to summon his broom which was still in his trunk. A minute later it came soaring through the air towards him.

"Aaaah" he said, smiling fondly at 'her', "it's been too long." He ran a hand along the polished wood of his top-of-the-range comet, blood already pumping harder in anticipation of flying. Lily watched his face in admiration as a calm intensity settled over him. He mounted the broom and kicked off, soaring into the air with practiced grace. Even from her position on the ground she could see the smile that lit his face. He zoomed once around the pitch before swooping down to her again.

"Come on!" He called laughingly, beckoning her closer. She stepped forward nervously, all her earlier abandon evaporating to be replaced by apprehension.

"I dunno James, maybe I'll just watch for now." She said hesitantly.

"Come on Lily! This was your idea; you're the one who wanted to fly… so let's fly!" She was silent, and she stood exactly where she was just looking at him, refusing to come any closer.

"Are you afraid?" He asked.

"Yes" She admitted quietly, looking down at her shoes. Why had she wanted to fly again?

"Why?" He asked.

"I just… I don't think I remember how any more, I haven't flown since first year. Plus I've seen people take some pretty nasty falls in Quidditch, it doesn't exactly inspire much confidence." She said in a rush.

"I promise that I will not let you fall." He said, looking into her eyes. And she believed him, and for some unaccountable reason felt like he was promising her so much more than that too. So she stepped towards him with shaky legs, mounted the broom in front of him, and put her trust in him.

He kicked off the ground and slowly rose into the air, and Lily felt as if the bottom had dropped off of her stomach, and clutched the broom handle even more tightly. Her knuckles were white from lack of blood.

"Relax" James instructed from behind her, and she shivered as his warm breath hit her neck. He stopped rising not too far from the ground, and then sped up a bit, taking a slowing lap around the pitch. By the time they had made one circuit Lily was relaxed and laughing, now demanding that they go faster.

"So how come you haven't flown since first year? Were you too scared?"

"No, I wasn't too bad at flying when we took our flying lessons, and I hadn't seen any Quidditch yet so I wasn't scared, but my parents could afford to get me a broom, they'd just paid for school and all my books and everything, so I got out of practice." It felt good to talk about something so normal, and for a moment Lily could imagine coming home and having James ask her how her day was. When she realized the implications of what she was thinking she mercilessly shoved the thought from her head, instead concentrating on the thrilling sensation of flying.

"Can we go faster?" She asked smiling widely.

"So you want to go faster huh?" James asked, with a hint of mischief lacing his voice, Lily recognized it with apprehension.

"James…" She warned threateningly. But she had no further time to talk before he accelerated to full throttle, and the wind was buffeting her face hard, and whipping her words away before James could catch them. They shot towards the goal posts, going so fast that everything around her was just a green and blue blur. He climbed higher, looping and twisting and dipping all at break-neck speed, and then zoomed around and around the field so quickly that Lily began to get dizzy. Her heart was beating hard against her ribcage and her breathing was quick and adrenalin was pumping through her veins.

It was such a rush! The initial burst of fear turned into excitement, and though the fear was still there, it made everything more thrilling. Lily thought that it would be easy to get addicted to this feeling, this strong, overwhelming exhilaration. No wonder James loved flying so much.

And then they were falling, plunging towards the unforgiving ground, as James pointed the broom handle towards the earth and they shot like a bullet downwards. A scream ripped from Lily's throat, and odd combination of terror and little-girl-delight as her father threw her into the air. And the split second before they hit the ground James pulled up, so that they hovered safely a meter above the earth.

There was a second's silence, and James took the opportunity to spit out some of Lily's hair, which had been blowing into his face during their flight. Although he had felt it wise not to tell her this, as he suspected that she wouldn't be particularly happy to know that his vision had been partially obstructed the entire time. After a moments pause she turned around on the broomstick and beat her fists against his chest.

"Don't you ever, EVER do that again!" She exclaimed. And he had to chuckle at the indignant look on her face. Despite her near death experience she found that she had to suppress the urge to laugh with him. She satisfied herself with a roll of her eyes and a muttered 'boys!'

* * *

After their flight Lily and James decided that their evening of fun was not over yet, and headed for Hogsmead via the shrieking shack. It had begun to drizzle softly and Lily promptly decided that they were going to the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer to warm them up. Madame Rosmerta showed no surprise at seeing them there despite the time, and promptly produced their drinks of choice, handing them to James with a wink. Lily's brow unaccountably furrowed.

By the time they had finished drinking their butterbeers by the fire in the pub it was pouring outside, and James suspected that they'd have to stay where they were to wait the rain out. Lily however had other ideas. She jumped to her feat and ran outside, and through the window James could barely make out her figure, face upturned and spinning around in the middle of the street.

He ran out to her and over the downpour shouted, "Are you trying to kill me? Cause I'm going to get pneumonia standing out in this!"

"Don't be such a baby! It's just a little rain…" Lily laughed, grabbing his hands and spinning him around with her. Her hair was soaked and there were rivulets of water running from her face down her neck and into her sodden clothes which, he couldn't help but notice, were now clinging to her body.

"Come on," he shouted, "If we're going to stand around in this we may as well get back to the school." So they joined hands and ran, splashing through puddles toward the shack.

James pried the board back from the window for Lily, and danced around shivering as she squeezed through the hole and then held it back as best she could while he did the same. They then walked in comfortable silence back to the willow, trailing water as they went.

By the time they were outside again the rain had stopped, leaving only puddles of water on the grass in its wake. They had almost reached the castle when Lily decided she very much liked mud.

She jumped purposefully into a puddle soaking herself and James. Then stood in the puddle wearing a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin as she watched James gape at her with a mud splattered face.

"You!" He shouted, finally regaining use of his limbs and lunging towards her. Lily couldn't dodge out of the way in time on the slippery grass, and they both toppled into the mud puddle laughing.

After a moment their laughter died with the realization of their position. James had landed partially on top of Lily, and she was now staring up at him, her hair caked in mud, with small brown spatters littering her face. He stared at them in fascination, slowly bringing a hand up to brush one away, but only succeeding in leaving a brown streak across her cheek.

Lily felt her heart speed up as his hand made contact with her cheek. Her mind was curiously blank and fuzzy, and the only things that existed were James endless hazel eyes and the hand that was stroking her cheek. And then his eyes were coming closer, and her own were fluttering closed, and there were no more eyes or hands anymore. There were lips. James' lips. Delicious soft lips sending electricity through her body.

And the last thought that crossed James mind before their lips met, was: I _really_ like mud.


	14. Reality Check

**AN:** Hi everyone! I'm so sorry it's been so long! I've had serious computer issues which are now hopefully over! I don't think I got to reply to all your reviews before my computer was struck by lightening, so I'll go back and reply to everybody once I'm not working out of an internet café. Thank you all so much for your amazing response to the last chapter. I hope everyone is having a fabulous new year!

Hugs and Sunflowers for: serenity12345, Wicked7193, Friar Freaking Lawrence, halfbloodhannah, JohnMayer1207, ccraffigan, WhiteCamellia, thestralwhisperer, Degrassidreamer, PhoenixWeasley, Sarah, this-recurring-dream, Minnesodagirl, hpobsessedrissa, alexia1huff, bithya, SiriusLoverr, mika-pali, -Scp-, Dobby's Socks, Mrs Claire Potter, girlbrighteyes, Lexy Granger, xHeavilyxBrokenx, Countess Calliope and Cait.

And special thanks to Sarah for kicking my butt into gear, and my wonderful beta Lyny Angell.

Please review! Constructive crit is welcomed and I promise to reply.

**Reality Check**

It is impossible to estimate how long Lily remained in that state of fuzziness brought about by James lips, but the length of time felt rather unsatisfactorily short to James (and if we are being entirely honest, to Lily as well, though she would never admit it.) Rather unfortunately for James, Lily was brought to her senses by the fact that she was very nearly a human ice cube, for no matter how warm the boy above her, she was still situated directly in the middle of a freezing mud puddle.

James had no such problem as he was nicely insulated by Lily, and rather more determined to ignore any discomfort in favor of staying in that rather felicitous position in which he found himself. Unfortunately for him, Lily was not at all inclined to ignore reality when it was so harshly thrust upon her, and swiftly tore herself away from him. (Or at least as far away as she could considering he was practically on top of her.)

Quite a few choice expletives ran through James' mind when he opened his eyes and got a look at Lily's deer-in-the-headlights expression. He could almost see the million and one frantic thoughts that were running through his head. He wanted to shake her and tell her to stop thinking so much.

"James?" She said in a confused and terrified voice.

_Oh no_, James thought, _this is not good!_

"This is not happening." She said, more to herself than to anyone else. She was looking over James' shoulder as she said it; she wouldn't look him in the eye. She abruptly pushed him off her.

"Lily…" he called, in an almost fearful voice. She seemed to be somewhere that he couldn't reach her and he hated how she was pulling away from him and how he couldn't seem to do anything to stop her.

"I… I can't do this." She whispered, still not looking at him. And then she stood up and fled to the castle ignoring him calling after her desperately.

And the oak front doors banged shut and he was left alone and dejected lying pathetically in a puddle of mud.

He _hated_ mud.

* * *

Snape watched from the astronomy tower as Lily and James sprinted laughing towards the castle in the pouring rain. He felt resentment building inside him, the jealousy slowly swelling as he watched James Potter with his Lily. That should have been him.

Potter didn't deserve her. Potter didn't understand her. Potter was nothing!

And then there was rage, blinding hatred as he saw him kiss her.

His eyes were unseeing as his feet flew across the ancient flagstones and down the stairs on the way to Dumbledore's office. He could see nothing but that private moment he had unwillingly born witness to, and feel nothing but all consuming fury.

* * *

Lily sprinted through the halls, soaking and out of breath, and at last came to a shuddering halt in the middle of a corridor when she could run no more. She collapsed against a wall, sinking slowly to the ground in a puddle of dirty water. Then she pulled herself behind the nearest suit of armor, buried her head in her knees and sobbed.

What had she done? No matter what she did she always seemed to make things worse… to complicate things until everything was in such a convoluted knot that it was impossible to wrap ones head around it.

Her tears slowly dried up and she was left red-eyed, knocking her head dully against the unforgiving stone at her back. She was so stupid! So entirely idiotic. How had she possibly thought that they could just happily ignore everything and carry on like his parents hadn't died, he hadn't almost been killed by a Werewolf and he hadn't almost accidentally killed her.

When had everything become so entirely messed up?

The sun was setting and shooting its last yellow rays through the castle windows and into her eyes when she dragged herself up and out from behind the suit of armor. And then she trudged; a shivering, exhausted and dejected bundle of sodden clothing, slowly up the many staircases to Gryffindor tower.

She had almost reached the girls staircase when Sirius intercepted her.

"Where's James?" He asked her urgently, with a look in his eyes that reminded her of a caged animal about to break free.

She thought she had cried herself dry but fresh tears misted up her vision. She couldn't talk past the lump in her throat. She shrugged her shoulders and turned her head away from him, trying to hide the evidence of her tears. He would have none of it. He grasped her chin firmly but gently and turned her head to face him… still she refused to meet his eyes.

"Lily, what have you done?" He asked her in a mixture of anger and alarm, but so softly she could have sworn he felt sympathy. She pressed her lips together tightly to choke back a sob. Finally she lifted her eyes to meet his.

"I…" She said weakly, and then had to pause and look up at the ceiling to stop the tears from falling. She closed her eyes and brought her hand up to cover them; steeling herself.

"He was on the grounds… in front of the entrance hall. I left him about…" Here her voice cracked but she ignored it. "It must have been an hour ago." She finished, and then looked away from Sirius and towards the girls staircase again… her duty done she could now retreat to the comfort and familiarity of her own bed.

He cast a short worried look her way before making for the portrait hole, having extricated from her the information he'd needed.

* * *

Sirius came to an abrupt halt on the third last step of the boys' staircase in Gryffindor tower. He used the curvature of the stairwell to conceal himself from view of the common room.

"You are to follow me to Dumbledore's office Mr. Lupin, along with Potter and Black." McGonagall was saying.

"Sirius and James just went to the owlry." Remus lied swiftly… first Marauder rule, cover each others backs no matter what was going on between you.

"Very well Mr. Lupin we shall collect your accomplices on the way." She said sternly, turning to walk briskly from the common room.

Something was very, very wrong, that much Sirius could tell immediately. One wasn't summoned to Dumbledore's office for minor misdemeanors; heads of house could deal with those. It could mean only one thing. Someone had found out about full moon.

And he would bet his life that it had been Snape who'd told them.

He had to find James and they had to come up with something before they were dragged to Dumbledore and crucified.

When he finally left the stairwell, he saw Lily coming through the portrait hole. He had never seen a more miserable wretch. And there was only one person capable of making her look that way. She was the road map to James.

* * *

James didn't have the heart to go after her. For almost a quarter of an hour he didn't even have the heart to pull himself out of the mud. When he finally did he stared dejectedly up at the castle. Then he turned his back on it and trudged towards the game keepers' cabin. It seemed infinitely less hostile and intimidating.

Hagrid opened his door to find a drowned rat. It took him a minute to recognize James and hurry him inside to dry off in front of the fire. With the wisdom of those who may not be thought particularly intellectual, but have lived through rather a lot and have, as a consequence, accumulated some useful knowledge, Hagrid knew that James was rather fragile at that point. As a result he bundled him up in a (rather scratchy) blanket, plonked him in a chair in front of the fire, and placed a cup (which seemed more like a bucket to James) of tea on a stool next to him.

He then sat down in the chair opposite him, put on his most sympathetic face and kindly asked James:

"It's that girl who w's 'ere coupla nigh's ago eh?" He said patting James on the back. James jerked forward and half of his tea sprayed out of his mouth from the force of the blow. Hagrid looked apologetic. Once James had had a bit of time to recover himself he managed to make his reply.

"I don't really want to talk about it Hagrid." He said softly.

"All righ', all righ', bu' she's a nice girl tha' one." He told James nodding his head enthusiastically. "An she w's righ' worried 'bout you lot when she w's with me. Even a bi' more worried than I'd expect from just a friend if ya catch my meanin'."

James didn't respond for a little while, he stared into the fire and watched the flames flicker around the logs forming intricate momentary patterns that always seemed to disappear too quickly.

"I don't think Lily and I'll be more than friends Hagrid. We'd just land up hurting each other." James said morosely.

"If ya couldn' hur' each other then ya wouldn' love each other, eh?" Hagrid said. "If you aren' brave enough ta get hur' then ya can' love. I learn' tha' from me Da."

And then Hagrid went back to peeling potatoes at the large kitchen table and left the glazed eyed James alone with his thoughts. Although he wouldn't be left that way for long. He was suddenly brought back to reality by urgent banging on the door.

"Hagrid it's Sirius! Open the door." Came muffled words through the thick rough wood.

Hagrid was at the door in one enormous step and had it open before James had had any time to think.

"I s'pose you'll be looking for James?" Hagrid asked.

"Yeah." Sirius replied shortly, jiggling his knee in frustration. Hagrid opened the door widely and removed himself from the doorway, exposing James sitting before the fire and going back to his potato peeling.

"James mate, we gotta go!" Sirius said quickly, stepping just inside the doorway, ready to leave any second.

"Not right now Sirius." James said exhaustedly.

"Now." Sirius said shortly, "Moony's with Dumbledore… McGonagall didn't look happy." He explained, trying to communicate his point silently with his eyes. Hagrid carried on peeling potatoes. But James could see him watching from the corner of his eyes… and suddenly potato peels were raining down onto the roughened rug underfoot.

James stood up, abandoning the blanket at the fireplace. Sirius cast a cursory glance at his still damp clothing but said nothing; for which James was grateful.

"Thanks Hagrid." James said sincerely, before slipping out the door after Sirius without even giving the game keeper a chance to respond.

James muscles ached as he tried to keep pace with Sirius. Once they were a safe distance from the cabin he yanked on Sirius' arm, forcing him to come to a halt.

"What's going on?" He asked.

"McGonagall found Moony in the common room, and asked for us, Moony lied and said we were in the owlry and then she dragged him off to Dumbledore's office. I think Snape told."

James swore vehemently.

"Why would he go to Dumbledore now?" James wondered aloud.

"I do not pretend to understand the inner workings of Snivellous's mind, and frankly I couldn't care why, we just need to figure out how we're going to deal with this."

"What if it was Lily?"

"What do you mean 'what if it was Lily'?" Sirius said impatiently, "Are you thick in the head? Let's go!"

"We don't even know what we're going to say! We can't just run into this one blind Padfoot! We could be expelled!"

"I've been thinking about it, and I don't think there's any way around this one James." Sirius said seriously.

"Well you better figure something out fast because Remus is probably in there martyring himself right now!" James spat out aggressively.

"We tell the truth… we just leave out the part about being illegal animagi, that way I'll at least avoid Azkaban." Sirius said slowly, his voice barely above a whisper.

"No way in hell! They'll expel you! They'll have no other choice!" James protested angrily, because no matter their differences, no matter how angry he was at Sirius over what had happened that night, he was still his best friend.

"Then they'll expel me." Sirius said resignedly. But James knew that behind the cool exterior Sirius was terrified.

"Don't be stupid Sirius! Where will you go?" He said, trying to reason with him.

"Do you think I know?" Sirius shouted, his calm façade cracking. "Dumbledore isn't stupid! If we try to lie to him we'll be digging our own fucking graves! I got us into this mess and I'll take the bloody heat for it! I am not going to drag you and Remus down with me!"

And then he stormed off towards the castle faster than James' aching muscles could keep up with, determination lending a steely glint to his dark eyes.


	15. Shattered Hearts

**AN:** Hi everyone… apologies for the very late update! Thanks to Sarah for giving me the push that I needed (Much to the detriment of school work… but who needs good doctors anyway hey? ;)

Thanks so much to all my reviewers: amethyst eyes hazel, potterlady4691, Wicked7193, PhoenixWeasley, Sarah, Cait, pippapear, Mrs Claire Potter, this-recurring-dream, DancingInTheRain37, thestralwhisperer, siabrach and Comicrileef.

You're all stars! And thanks to all of you who are still patiently keeping up with this story even though updates are sporadic. If you get impatient I tend to respond well to demands, so don't be shy, pm me, review me, whatever… just tell me to hurry my ass up and generally I will (as demonstrated by this chapter in speedy response to Sarah's review!) As always CC is great and I'll reply if you review!

Unfortunately this one is unbeta'd so I'll apologise for all the mistakes there'll doubtless be. Lyny Angell if you're reading I hope you're alright... mwa!

**Shattered hearts**

Lily lay on her bed, completely spent and desperately in need of sleep; but with a mind and heart so confused and full that they would not allow her body rest. This utter exhaustion, coupled with the fact that she was feeling particularly emotional, meant that she was extremely close to tears just over the fact that she couldn't sleep. She felt pathetic, fragile and just all around tearful.

Through her thick curtains she could hear some of the other girls she shared her room with chatting as they did their homework. She was suddenly filled with the loneliness that she hadn't felt since finally making peace with James. These were girls that she knew superficially; that she could make meaningless conversation with and ask advice about make-up from. Girls she was comfortable enough with to moan at for spending too long in the shower and yet not comfortable enough with to talk to about her family.

They were friends of a sort… perhaps acquaintances... and there was a certain amount of security in that kind of relationship; a relationship where no intimacy was necessary and making ones self vulnerable was not required. But it was the kind of relationship that made her feel isolated… and lonely. And no matter how much Lily shied away from being vulnerable, she was sick of being lonely! She had enjoyed the pleasure of companionship and couldn't bring herself to give it up again.

There was a nagging worry in her mind… one that she couldn't get rid of. Something didn't feel right. She naively thought she was still feeling uncomfortable about what had transpired in the mud puddle.

She sat up in bed, still fully dressed, and pulled aside her curtains. Two pairs of eyes immediately fixed upon her. Rosy lay on her stomach with her feet tapping around in the air above her and a pen still in her mouth. Megan sat on the floor beside her with her books spread in a wide circle around her and a stack of papers in her lap. Lily opened her mouth as if to say something and then closed it again. They looked at her expectantly, and saw with curiosity her still slightly red eyes.

Once again Lily looked as if she was going to say something but then changed her mind. Rosy and Megan sat watching her inner struggle with rapt attention. Lily finally decided that there was no way she could confide in the two people before her; they may have been lovely girls and considerate room-mates, but they didn't really know her… they couldn't really understand her. There was perhaps only one person besides James who could understand her and was accordingly the only person she could open up to. She needed to work things out… she needed to verbalize things and make sense of things that way. She had to find him.

She just hoped that there was still some part of her childhood friend left in him. Something that would allow them to salvage their friendship, something that would give her back her confidant; because she hadn't realized how much she needed him… how much she missed him. She had believed that he didn't exist anymore, but now in her naïveté and desperate loneliness she could believe that some part of him was still there… some part of him was still buried under the unrecognizable person he had become… the person who had broken her heart and destroyed her trust.

Now for the first time in over a year she would seek him out.

* * *

James and Sirius trudged slowly down the final passage that would lead them to Dumbledore's office; all haste that had been exercised up until that point forgotten as the gargoyle came into sight. James suddenly felt great solidarity towards all those who had been marched off to the gallows. Never before had he associated this feeling of dread with visiting Dumbledore's office, no matter what his offence… sometimes it had been associated with potions class, but never with Dumbledore's office. 

He had a feeling that this time they weren't going to be offered lemon drops.

They waited for a long few seconds before the immobile gargoyle, neither one eager to seal their fate. Finally Sirius muttered the password, and the gargoyle sprang aside. James' heart sank as they rose up the stairs.

* * *

He skulked in the shadows, waiting patiently for them to arrive outside of Dumbledore's office. Lupin had already been found… but that wasn't really important. It was _him_ that he wanted to see. He wanted to make sure _he_ suffered. His all consuming bitterness wouldn't let him see logic. 

Dark eyes glittered with malice in the shadows as they followed the path of the two ill-fated boys down the stone corridor and finally out of sight beyond the stone gargoyle. _Now they would get what they deserved._

His dark robes billowed at his feet as he rounded the corner to go to the Slytherin common room.

But half way there something happened. Something that he never would have believed would happen ever again. He met with a familiar face… a beloved and familiar face he hadn't expected to see anywhere near the Slytherin common room ever again.

"Lily?" He whispered as they came face to faceas they were about to round the corner that led to the dungeons.

Her face lit up. And it seemed to him as if some small piece of his heart healed right then at the sight of that smile… at the knowledge that she was responding this way to his presence.

"Sev!" She replied… and the earnest gladness in her voice and her expression made him feel like there was a balloon inside him that was slowly inflating with every consecutive second in her presence; as if, if he could stay with her for long enough he would just float away from all his problems.

"You're here." He stated; the surprise and wonder evident in his voice.

"Yeah…" She said hesitantly. "I needed to talk to you."

He wanted to grin like a maniac. He wanted to run and jump and whoop. And he knew he was being childish and foolish… but he didn't care. After month after unbearable month without her to bring light into his shadowed life, the sudden ray of sunshine was cause for celebration. And in that moment nothing else mattered… there was no past or present. There was no school work, no thoughtless hurtful words, no fights or grudges. There was only Lily-and-Severus. She had always made him feel that way… Like he was the only other person on earth and he was fascinating and worth spending time with.

"What do you want to talk about?" He asked. And he hoped, hoped against hope that she wanted to talk about them. That she wanted to give him a chance to tell her how sorry he was for anything he had ever said in thoughtlessness, for everything he had done to earn her distain. And he hoped that maybe she wanted to be friends again.

"Just… a lot of things… so many things! I want my best friend back Sev!" She said and her eyes looked so desperate that he could refuse her nothing.

They walked towards the empty potions classroom that they had used to meet in and talk in too many times to count.

It was strange… walking with her again, being allowed to talk to her again. He didn't know what to say; didn't know where to begin. There were too many things he wanted to tell her and no good way to start saying any of them. So they walked in silence. And it was awkward.

He didn't care.

He'd rather be awkward and silent and with her than be alone.

The shoes she wore clacked against the cold stone floor of the potions room until she stopped and pushed herself up onto a desk. Then her legs swung lazily through the air and her hands fiddled with the hem of her shirt… like it wasn't just him that didn't know where to start.

He wished she would look at him, but apparently her hem was fascinating to her.

Something was wrong.

He was sure. Lily was only like this when something was wrong. A feeling of dread swept through him unexpectedly.

"I… I didn't know who else to talk to." She started. "You… were always the only one I talked to. And now James…"

"James?" He asked, feeling himself tense up at the mere mention of _that_ name. The silence that enveloped them as his mind churned seemed charged.

"When has he become James and not Potter?" He asked, almost disdainfully, his loathing for Potter immediately doubling.

Lily was slightly taken aback. She realized that she should have expected such a reaction from him. Never the less she carried on… he was her friend, he would try to understand. He always had before. He'd even tried to understand why she still tried with Petunia; why should it be any different with this? James had saved his life; surely he would think differently of him now.

"He's been my friend. He's been good to me."

"He's been good to you?" Snape laughed. "Of course he has! He's always been good to you!"

"So what? Why are you being so disdainful? I came to you for help." Her tone was hurt… and almost accusing. He ignored that, allowing his jealousy to take over.

"Why didn't you go to James for help… he's been so good to you." He said sarcastically.

"We had a fight." Lily stated.

"So I'm just the second choice?" He asked.

"No… it's not like that!"

"It's just like that… if you hadn't fought with him you wouldn't be here would you?" He asked.

"No, but…" She stammered, trying to explain herself but loosing the words.

"No." He said softly. "You wouldn't be here… because he's been your friend? I was your friend. He's been good to you? He wasn't good to me… you of all people should know that. And now I'm the fall back because you had a fight with your perfect boyfriend!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" She objected.

"Oh no?" He said snidely… "Well then he's enjoying some bloody fantastic benefits as far as I can tell from what I saw of your little rendezvous in the rain!"

And he wished that she would deny it, but she didn't. Instead she got that deer-in-the-headlights look he knew so well. That look that told him all he needed to know.

"You like him don't you?" He asked… and he wanted more than anything to stop, to shut up so that he wouldn't have to hear the answer. But he couldn't stop himself. He had her backed up in a corner and he couldn't stop… why was he asking for this punishment?

"No!" She said… too quickly. She was lying. Her eyes and her body language all screamed the same story. And there was fear in her eyes… denial and fear. Lily Evans didn't get scared of just anything. For her to be so scared meant it was something big… something huge.

He almost laughed when he realized. At himself, at his stupidity, at how long it had taken him to figure it out.

"You're in love with him aren't you?" He asked callously, his anger a mask to cover the hurt from the blow she had just so unknowingly given. "You're in love with him and you're petrified so you came running back to me!"

She gaped at him. Her eyes full of fear and denial still… and she shook her head slightly too. Like some part of her knew he was right but she was too stubborn to own up to it. And in that moment he hated James Potter as he never had before because he knew; knew that he was right and that one day Potter would have the only thing he had ever really wanted.

Then he did laugh… a bitter and resentful laugh.

"Well at least he won't have you now." He said resentfully. "Soon he'll be expelled."

"What?" Came Lily's voice.

"You heard me… I said _soon_, **your love**, will be, _expelled_." And his eyes shone with a look that she had learned to hate; with malice and self satisfaction.

"What have you done Severus?" She asked coldly.

"I simply informed Dumbledore of what happened on the night of the full moon." He said, his tone one of disinterest. For a moment Lily just stood there in front of him staring... as if she couldn't comprehend what he was saying.

"You did **what**?" She spat out through clenched teeth.

He didn't respond.

"He saved your life!" She shouted. "He almost died for you and this is how you repay him?"

"He was half of the reason I was in danger in the first place!"

"That's bull and you know it!" She shouted, eyes blazing with anger. "I always thought you were better than this." She said calmly. "I always thought you were better than all the stupid things you did… but time and time again you've proved me wrong.

We're through… if I never saw you again it would be no great loss to me!"

And then she stormed out of the room and through the door he saw her picking up her pace. When she was finally out of sight he heard her shoes on the stone clacking quickly in the direction of Dumbledore's office.

And the glass jars full of potions ingredients that lined the wall beside him smashed and a million glittering pieces of glass knifed through the air and bit at his skin and fell sparkling to the floor.

And then, his rage spent, his head was cradled in his hands and a glistening tear fell to join the glass that sparkled on the floor.


End file.
